Thunderbozz

The future of S4C

2010-10-19T21:35:00.003+01:00

An announcement is expected on Wednesday that the BBC is to take over funding for Welsh-language channel S4C.

BBC News

The BBC licence fee is to be frozen at the current level of £145.50 for the next six years, a 16% cut in real terms... Among the extra commitments the BBC has signed up to are to fund the World Service and Welsh-language broadcaster S4C out of the licence fee from 2015.

The Guardian

Background
The UK's new Government is carrying out one of the most significant "funding review" in modern times. Faced with debts that are projected to run into the hundreds of billions b the end of their first term (2014-15), it is cutting budgets left, right and centre to reduce our national dependence on money we simply don't have.

Areas seen as politically-sensitive -- hospitals and schools specifically -- have been ring-fenced, but the scope of the Government's cuts should not be underestimated: the armed forces, prison service, and justice system all face massive belt-tightening exercises over the coming months. In the military, 50,000 job losses were announced today alone.

No money, mo' problems
With a nigh-on guaranteed income of £3.45 billion a year¹, funded directly by the television-watching public, the BBC now finds itself in the sights of a Government looking for easy targets. The relationship between the BBC and the Conservatives has never been particularly cosy: it will be tested like never before tomorrow, when Chancellor George Osbourne is expected to hand the BBC responsibility for three major projects previously paid for from direct taxation:

The BBC World Service. Paid for from the Foreign Office's budget until now, the World Service provides radio, internet and television services across the world. It is extremely well-respected and revered by those to whom it provides a vital service: the propagation of news in regions where media plurality is scarce (or forbidden).
BBC Monitoring. The eyes and ears of the Government, Monitoring watches and listens to broadcasts from nations and governments around the world, gathering vast amounts of "open source intelligence". Funded, until now, by a variety of Government departments.
S4C. Funded directly by Government until now (£100million a year), the Welsh-language broadcaster was established in 1982 under Margaret Thatcher's (Conservative) government as an "investment in social harmony"². It is undergoing tumultuous change: it is now facing the biggest crisis of it's history.

The problems facing S4C are thus:

S4C broadcasts exclusively in Welsh. There are an estimated 611,000 Welsh-speakers in Wales. For any commercial broadcaster, this is already a minuscule "target audience".
S4C's sponsors - the companies that pay for advertising on the channel - recognise there is little if any money to be made from Welsh. I watch the channel only occasionally, but the only ads I have seen in Cymraeg are those from Government departments.
Of the 611,000, only a tiny proportion are watching some of S4C's programming. Cyw, the station's children's programming strand is critically-acclaimed and (apparently) very popular with the kids... but their viewing habits aren't recorded and don't contribute to viewing figures. Moreover, pre-schoolers don't have a lot of spending power.
If you believe the hype, linear television is dying. S4C has three television channels, one of which broadcasts part-time during the day, one that carries the same shows in HD, and the other that carries coverage of the Welsh Assembly. Not exactly water-cooler television.
A huge rift has developed between the station's management and the "executive" designed to oversee it. This has led to two high-profile resignations in as many months. The ship is listing, and the captain has just nicked-off in a lifeboat.

This makes grim reading. Last month, the Government told it to cut its budget by 40%. Now, it plans to cut it's funding to precisely zero and hand responsibility to fund the channel over to ~~a soft target~~ ~~cash-cow~~ the BBC.

To me, this measure doesn't go far enough.

BBC SC?
The BBC should be given complete control over S4C, which should cease as a commercial service with immediate effect.

Why? Because it would fit perfectly with the Beeb's existing set-up. It already provides S4C with programming 'free of charge' - news, soaps, documentaries, sport... the list goes on. Wales has a thriving independent production community - this can only benefit from a Welsh television channel with a secured future.

Away from TV, BBC Radio Cymru would be an ideal partner for the television channel. It would also be complemented by an improved online presence, access to the iPlayer, YouView, SeeSaw, bbc.co.uk...

There's more: the S4C Executive would be replaced by the BBC Trust: look, Mr Cameron! I've just scrapped a Quango!

The BBC already operates BBC Alba, a Gaelic service (of which there are supposed to be 58,652 speakers in Scotland) comprising a television channel, radio station and website (for what that's worth). It has developed a local service on limited funds from scratch. With the strong foundations laid down by S4C, it can do so much more in Wales.

This move will hit the BBC, but there are plenty of places it can trim fat -- and the Government knows that all too well. It wouldn't have entrusted the future of an entire language to the Corporation, otherwise.

¹ - 2009-10 figures
² - The Guardian

Don't listen to me.

2010-05-04T23:02:00.009+01:00

Election 2010 I have absolutely no right to tell you what to do. I have no right to tell you what to think. I certainly have no right to tell you what to believe. Nothing – not the place where you were born, or to whom; nor where you live and what colour your skin is (or your eyes are); not whether you are a man or a woman, an atheist or a Christian (or a Buddhist or a Nazi) nor whether you prefer coffee to tea or stripes to spots – nothing on this Earth gives me the right to force my own personal views onto anyone else.

Which is why I beg this of you: please, please, please, if you are eligible to vote in Thursday's General Election, go and vote. The decision you make will be yours, your voice will be heard, and it will make a difference.

Sadly, previous elections have been dominated by the phrase "it won't make a difference". Well this time around, things are different. Never before have our ballot papers been so important. Never before has the power of your "cross" been so strong. Never before has each and every one of us had the chance to bring about such real and radical change in the British political system. Because that's what we're voting for: change.

This year, regardless of individual political views may be, we have the opportunity to revolutionise politics. We have the power to put an end to "tactical" voting. We have the power to put an end to the "two-party" system. We have the power to put an end to misrepresentation of the people.

But to do so, we must work together.

In every election, hundreds of thousands of votes have no impact whatsoever on the make-up of parliament, nor on the government, nor on the way this country is run. Unless your vote is for the winning candidate in your constituency, it is worthless. The "first-past-the-post" (fptp) system has favoured the Conservatives and Labour for to long: it has entrenched within each party the expectation of victory and given rise to a situation where only a tiny percentage of the population must be kept happy in order to secure power. This must end.

Here comes the politics bit.

The Conservatives must not be allowed to win this election. Their plans for "electoral reform" are designed to strengthen their own position, and further disenfranchise even greater swathes of the United Kingdom. Regardless of their other policies, I believe we have a collective responsibility to ensure that these reforms are never put into practice. How do we do that? Simple: vote for someone else!

The Liberal Democrats have been advocating the need for electoral reform for years and years, mainly because they have been the biggest victim of fptp. A vote for the Liberal Democrats is a vote for true reform. But there's a problem. The Lib Dems will not win enough seats to govern outright. They will need to form a coalition with the (next-)biggest party, and who that will be will determine the future of this country not just for the next five years, but for the next five-hundred years.

The Lib Dems need Labour just as much as Labour (who look to be doomed to a humiliating third place) need them. Without an outright majority, and without this coalition, neither can protect us from the Great Leap Backwards that the Conservatives propose.

So please consider very carefully who you will vote for on Thursday. I hope it will be for the Liberal Democrats, or, in areas where they stand a better chance of defeating the Tories, Labour. I hope that supporters of the minority parties will recognise that they too must be prepared to switch their allegiances, however temporarily, for the greater good (and for the prospect of future success far beyond the most optimistic "best-case scenarios" of which they can only dream of today). But more importantly of all, despite everything I have just written, I hope it will be for whoever you think is right.

Hip to be Square

2010-04-16T18:03:00.001+01:00

My very first memory of attending a football match, like so many others', contains virtually no details about the goals, nor the scoreline, nor the players, nor even who we were playing. These details, these statistics, these facts have been pushed aside and replaced by the sense of awe, the feeling of wonderment, the overpowering synæsthesia of multi-coloured scarves and burger-van smells.

For my very first game, my dad took me to the Watling Street ground. It was (still is) three streets away from our house, but I was spared the arduous five minute walk and treated to being carried on his shoulders instead. This is where my memory begins:

As we turned onto Watling Street, I was met with an incredible sight. Hundreds of people were walking down the pavements, dozens more weaving in-between the passing buses and cars. From every side road, from every footpath, from every gap in the fence, people formed a human river, flowing steadily towards the turnstiles. I had never seen anything like it.

The queue at the gates heightened my anticipation, and once through, the scene before me was astonishing. From the top of the famous grass bank, the pitch looked a mile long; the people behind the goal seemed so distant it was as though they had barely travelled from their home town to be there.

To my left, the main stand looked capable of holding ten thousand people. It's roof was so high, it looked able to shield the entire pitch from the wind and the rain. The minutes went past, and still the flow of people continued; all around me, people streamed past, eager to reach "their spot".

At kick-off, the atmosphere changed completely. It seemed to me at that moment that every brick, every plank, every concrete block had been carefully positioned to divert your attention towards the pitch; and, on the sound of a whistle, that's precisely what happened. The focus of everyone's attention for the next 45 minutes was the game – everyone, it seemed, except me, who still couldn't help but look. Look at the people! Look at their faces! Look at this place! Look at this ramshackle Cathedral.

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Today, you'll find houses where the Watling Street ground once stood. It wouldn't be long after my first visit to that ground that it would have to be sold. Without it, it was impossible to continue. The football club was dead, but the spirit and the passion it stirred in hundreds of the fans could not be extinguished so easily.

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

The story of how an intrepid band of supporters rescued my club is one that I need to dedicate some time to in order to tell. I cannot do it justice in a couple of paragraphs. In the later years, I played the smallest of parts in the story, too. Throughout, the aim was simple and clear. Our club did not deserve to be homeless. Our club did not deserve to be languishing in lower-non-league obscurity. Our club and our town deserved better.

I have written before about the overwhelmingly positive impact that having our own stadium has had on the club and the wider community. Determination and volunteer work can only get you so far. Football today is a business, and you need stronger assets than good intentions to progress. Princes Park has been the springboard to our recent success.

That success was duly rewarded last weekend. Dartford won the Isthmian Premier League title and automatic promotion to the Conference South (aka Blue Square South). It is a fantastic achievement for all concerned, and we must be sure to make the most of every single new opportunity it presents. Next season will be tough, but if there's one club that knows a thing or two about overcoming adversity, it is surely the Dartford Football Club.

Pride comes in two colours: black and white.

Sleep, wave theory, and overspringshandling

2010-03-07T17:00:00.003Z

I don't have a great deal to write about this week. This is no reflection on the sort of week I've had, because it's been a good one, but this is due to the fact that I've spent much of it sleeping/vegetating in bed/generally lounging around. Which is all well and good, but doesn't make for great anecdotes.

• The Danish have a fantastic word for procrastination: overspringshandling (props to @paulie for bringing this to my attention), made all the more fantastic I feel by the addition of Newspeak: doubleplusoverspringshandling has a certain ring to it, no?

• You know how when you wake up the morning after going to a gig or to a club your ears are ringing? Well I thought that it was an inevitable consequence of listening to very loud music for hours on end. Inevitable no more! Because, thanks to the wonders of science, there is a solution!

If you sing loudly to the music, the (good) sound waves you produce will deflect the (bad) sound waves coming from the sound system. Et voilà! Your ears are protected!

And if you think that sounds like total rubbish, try and explain the totally distortion-free hearing you enjoy the next morning.

• I've been searching high and low for some new trainers for ages. I've seen plenty (they're not exactly hard to come by), but I've been searching for a fairly specific set. Is it too much to ask for a nice-looking pair of white, slip-on trainers? I don't think so, but apparently the entire UK shoe industry disagrees. There are about a dozen shoe shops* in Sheffield, and none of them had anything I liked.

*This includes JD and Foot Locker, despite the fact that they no longer appear to sell shoes, but concentrate exclusively on massive boots, hoodies and tracksuits in primary colours (and possibly also drugs) to wannabe gangsters/massive chavs.

Random of the week

The massive earthquake in Chile earlier this year was so powerful it shook the Earth off it's axis and shortened the length of that day by 1.26 millionths of a second.

99 problems but the 6 ain't one

2010-02-27T22:05:00.010Z

Less than two weeks after a surprisingly positive review into digital radio station 6 Music, the BBC is considering scrapping the network.

This is not only an extremely short-sighted, headline-grabbing decision designed to appease political and commercial opponents, but also directly contravenes the Corporation's mandate.

In 1922, Lord Reith declared the BBC's mission in elegant terms. "The BBC is here to inform, educate and entertain, to enrich people's lives." Eighty years later, I fell in love with a radio station that followed these guidelines to the letter.

Jude Rogers, The Guardian

Fans of the station – who, although "few in number", certainly work hard to ensure their voices are heard – have already put forward extremely eloquent and passionate arguments for keeping, protecting and investing more in the station. There is little that I can add to the words of Phill Jupitus, Andrew Collins, Alistair Harper et al.

Far from being an example of what's wrong with the Beeb, 6 Music is a beautiful example of the BBC at its best.

Richard Bacon

The facts are clear: the listenership is (comparatively) small, but devoted. Unlike Radio 1, there are no commercial broadcasters fighting for the 6 Music audience – and certainly none capable of replicating the quality, range and depth of output. Coupled with the role that 6 Music plays in promoting new music, unsigned acts and niche genres, it is the very model of Public Service Broadcasting:

6 Music is a crucial platform for new music and has been instrumental in furthering careers of countless acts... As well as helping bands find an audience, that audience is one that is passionate about music. [It] is vital.

Lisa Matthews, manager, Welsh Music Foundation

6 Music keeps the spirit of broadcasters like John Peel alive and for new artists to lose this station would be a great shame.

David Bowie

Let's look at some numbers:

Subscription to Last.fm costs £36.00 a year; Spotify costs £119.88 a year. Based on these figures, I'd say that 6 Music is a pretty good deal.

Now let's have a look at some other national networks:

These figures are back-of-an-envelope calculations (sources listed below), but they give a rough indication of how much the Beeb is spending. It's staggering that the Asian Network is also facing the axe (especially as, if nothing else, it's role as Public Service Broadcaster to the 2.4million Asians living in Britain is far greater than 6 Music's service to ardent music fans).

Forget about bringing people together within their own living rooms – radio brings nations together! And if we have that ability, do we really want to waste it by playing (the admittedly quite enjoyable) Cast of Glee? No. We want to champion new music, refresh our memories with the favourite bands we’ve long forgotten, and generally widen the cultural boundaries of everyone at the other end of that magical digital squiggle of zeroes and ones.

Stephen Thomas, For Folks Sake

Over 71,000 people have joined the Save BBC 6 Music Facebook group. I hope you will feel compelled to do the same.

Notes
Annual cost
Radio 2 - actual figures for 2008-09, taken from BBC Trust report. Programming costs were £26.7million (music licensing fees account for the rest); 6 Music - station budget for 2008-09; Radio 3 - taken from here (July 2009); Radio 4 - taken from here (2005-06); Asian Network - taken from here (April 2008); Radio 1 - taken from here (April 2008).

Adult listeners per week
Radio 2 and 6 Music - figures from BBC Trust report; Radio 3, Radio 4, Asian Network, Radio 1 - RAJAR quarterly listening figures (October - December 2009).

Cost per listener, licence fee payer
Per year. Quick maths based on the above figures and the numbers quoted in the BBC Trust report. Numbers rounded to the nearest penny, but some margin for error to be expected as I've used the figures in the BBC Trust report to work out the formulas.

Amendments
This article has been updated twice since being posted. Once for spelling and grammar; I've also changed the figures quoted for Last.fm and Spotify from monthly to yearly prices for easier comparison.

This machine kills time

2010-02-21T14:48:00.000Z

On Thursday night I went to the Sheffield Showroom to see a screening of Alan Miles' documentary, Breaking Rocks. It was the first date in a mini-tour of Britain for the film, which follows the progress of Jail Guitar Doors, an initiative to help rehabilitate prisoners through music.

Founded by Billy Bragg in 2007, the scheme was inspired by Malcolm Dudley, a counsellor who worked at Guys Marsh prison. Using some borrowed guitars, he had started a small but significant music class to help inmates express themselves and build confidence: the first steps towards true rehabilitation.

This was just the beginning, and the film documents how JGD has grown from just six guitars into a programme grew into an international organisation in only a few years. Bragg's contribution is invaluable to it's success, and his personal involvement in the project extends far beyond being the "public face"; ultimately though, it's the prisoners who are the stars.

Two of the inmates featured in the film have served their sentences, and were present at the screening (along with Miles, Bragg and Reverend And The Makers' John McClure). Both – Leon Fender-Walker and Jonny Neesom – are extremely talented individuals and their performances on the big screen and live after the showing provided all the evidence you could need as to the worthiness of the venture.

Time constraints meant we could only have a couple of songs from each of the guests. Walker [My Space], combines raw talent with infectious energy and worked the crowd like a pro. His music follows in the footsteps of the Arctic Monkeys and Jamie T that disguises sharp, often scathing, social commentary behind the neon façades of "everyday" life in Britain. I defy you to listen to Annabella and not be humming the tune within minutes.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, Neeson [My Space] is the self-styled "angry little white boy". If he does have any lyrics sheets at home (he certainly didn't need them on stage), they must be written in venom. Tracks like Fuck Justice and Gray Walls are incredibly powerful: each individual word pins you to your seat like a nail, yet they're delivered so carefully that they flow like poetry. Amazing.

Achievements unlocked: (none)

2010-02-14T19:47:00.004Z

I set myself some New Year's Resolutions (plural) this year. Nothing special in that, most people do. I haven't started (let alone completed) any of them; again, I suspect, like most people. The explanation for this is pretty simple: I'm just too lazy to have many enough effort, yet it feels so incredibly frustrating still.

Reason being, I hate hypocrites. I don't like people who break promises. I don't like people who let me down. Hence, I don't like myself when I don't deliver. It's annoying when the landlord doesn't provide us with a meter reading; it's frustrating when client's don't give you all the information you need; but, for me, it's absolutely gutting when it's me who's ballsed-up.

Fortunately, resolutions are pretty arbitrary: it doesn't matter if you start them in January or June; you don't have to wait until December 31 before thinking-up a new one. So maybe I will put some effort in. And maybe I'll start whenever I like. And maybe I won't worry about them so much. Maybe that should be a new resolution?

* * *

There's a lot to be said for the Saturday morning lie-in, you know.

The vast majority of this weekend has been spent watching sport, and good sport at that. FA Cup football, 6 Nations rugby and, naturally, live text updates of the mighty Dartford FC's campaign. It was a fantastic 4-1 win over Tonbridge this week, a result that settled the nerves of fans and players alike, especially important after a run of disrupted schedules and poor performances. Our lead at the top is back to seven points, and with three games still in hand there's no need to panic just yet.

The next thing on my List Of Gadgets To Buy, I've decided (purely off the back of seeing someone else's), is a surround-sound speaker system. They're 99.9% useless, because the number of times you actually use them to watch a film with proper Dolby surround compared to the number of times you're just listening to re-runs of Scrapheap Challenge is so minimal, but – oh – they sure do look cool.

Random of the week

∞ + 1 = ∞
∞ - 1 = ∞
∞ + ∞ = ∞
∞ - ∞ = x, where -∞ &le x &le ∞

'Fluffy' is not the opposite of 'wet'

2010-02-07T16:23:00.002Z

For the first time in a very long time (in fact, I can't even remember when this last happened) I had a nightmare last night. As is the case with most of my dreams, I can't actually remember what was giving me the spooks, I just remember that there was lots of screaming, lots of sirens, lots of distant explosions... and a single ghostly figure kept appearing. It was really quite terrifying.

I'm over it now.

My teams have had a mixed weekend. Dartford suffered another home defeat, which reduces our lead to just ten points (still with two games in hand). Admittedly, this doesn't sound like the most disastrous situation in the world, but it's never nice to start losing games. West Ham also managed to lose, which sees us slide back into the relegation zone. It would be nice to think that we're too good to go down (and there are certainly three teams in the Premier League worse than us), but football's a funny old game. Hopefully our new Brazilian Ilan can start bagging a few goals.

England kicked off their 6 Nations campaign in fairly convincing style, taking full advantage of Wales' sin-bin-affected spell. The football team has also been handed what I consider to be an extremely favourable draw for Euro 2012, so a pretty good weekend all-round for the nation I'd say.

Random of the week

Former Premier League footballer Dion Dublin has invented a new musical instrument, a cube-shaped drum, called The Dube. True story.

Work, Work, Work (Pub, Club, Sleep)

2010-01-31T21:58:00.004Z

Last week was extremely busy at work (as predicted), but I'm pleased that it went much smoother than I was expecting. The spectre of having to finish things off on Saturday was hanging over my team for the last part of the week, but – despite the odd hiccup – we managed to get the job done and dusted by Friday evening.

This was an extremely pleasing development, and I took full advantage of the situation by sleeping away ~~most~~ all of Saturday morning (and a considerable chunk of the afternoon to boot).

Feeling suitably refreshed, it was time to embark on an evening of (dangerously) alcoholic cocktails and (dangerously) alcoholic dancing. Fuelled on a combination of Black Russians, White Russians and Sexes on the Beach, Sheffield's Leadmill was our destination. As tends to be the case, it was a fantastic evening, thoroughly enjoyed by all.

Until around Sunday lunchtime, that is.

Next week at work has much more hard graft in store, but if it leads to another weekend like this one, it will all be worthwhile.

Random of the week

Nokia is the world's largest producer of calculators.

Maths and English, Spanish and Welsh

2010-01-24T15:07:00.004Z

I have a few basic ground rules about blogging. The executive summary is "don't assume that other people are as keen for their stories to be posted as you are; don't talk about work". With the latter in mind, I can't go into details about what I do or where I work, because frankly it's unprofessional. What I can say is that it's been a very busy month for us, and next week is set to be the most frantic of them all. So it's early nights for me, starting tonight.

Last week was my birthday. I always tend to make a big fuss about other people's birthdays, but aren't actually all that keen when mine comes round. I'm always dead miserable in the days running up to it (and intolerable on the day before), but then cheer up considerably just in time to go out and celebrate.

This year, my housemates and I went out for tapas on Friday night at La Tasca. It was the first time I'd ever eaten at a Spanish/tapas restaurant, so I wasn't really sure what to expect – turns out my fears of endless plate-loads of squid were totally unfounded. I'd recommend going, it's good.

Saturday night's alright for fighting, but it's also good for hitting the town for a few beers. So we did. I've stopped apologising for drinking "poncey" South-American bottled beers – screw you, I like them – because they have a convenient habit of getting me drunk without a nightmarish hangover the next morning. Although that did lead to the unexpected situation I found myself in at 07.30 this morning: wide awake.

Hmm, might have to go back to the pints.

Random of the week

The Welsh word for carrot is moronen (moron).

MMX

2010-01-24T14:00:00.003Z

Hello everyone, happy new year! Better late than never, eh?

Sorry about the lack of blog posts. I haven't written a "regular" blog post since July (and that was a semi-rambling embittered rant about the government). There are two reasons why:

1. I get bored very easily. Which means I blog for a few months, then I get a temporary obsession with photography, then I become an insufferable music buff for several weeks, then I go and buy a load of gadgets... it's just what I do. Anyway, I'm back in a blogging mood at the moment, so enjoy it while it lasts.

2. We don't have 24/7 broadband at the flat. We have one mobile broadband dongle to share between three laptops. Coupled with the fact that I have a nifty internet phone (great for checking e-mails, a bit fiddly to write anything longer than 140 characters on), this means going on the internet to casually surf and submit various missives to a blog is a bit of a rarity these days.

But now I'm back. I'll be aiming to write something weekly, just like in the olden days. Starting from now. Hello again.

Labour has lost control of Britain

2009-07-01T19:20:00.003+01:00

Picture by Roger Marks, some rights reserved

Earlier this week, the Government published "Building Britain's Future", a proposal document full of policies (and seen by many as an early election manifesto) which could at best be described as ambitious - and at worst as pie-in-the-sky nonsense.

On Tuesday, was revealed that they have abandoned plans to introduce a compulsory ID Card scheme.

Today, the Government has lost another vote in the Commons, admitted that it's plans to part-privatise the Royal Mail have been scrapped, and took back control of the East Coast Mainline. It can't even make a Sir into a Lord without hitting problems.

Gordon Brown's Government survived the very public expenses scandal, a spate of Cabinet resignations and - to an extent - the worst of the recession: it survived the knives in the back; it surely cannot avoid death from a thousand cuts.

Ps & Qs

2009-06-02T18:29:00.010+01:00

The Daily Telegraph today published the expenses claims of Dartford MP Dr Howard Stoate (it's Day 26 of "The Expenses Files", a feature which increasingly resembles Big Brother/The Never-Ending Story).

Now, it would be all-too easy to use this as an opportunity to attack Dr Stoate, but it transpires that he is actually a rather fervent supporter of local businesses. After all, he spent £124 at a market stall - or, so he says, as "no receipts are available". Over £1,000 was ploughed into the town's DIY stores, including the B&Q Warehouse and Focus [Do It All].

Now, this may sound like a lot of money to spend, but fear not! Dr Stoate had the taxpayer in mind whilst he was shopping: prices in the market "were far lower than shop prices... I was trying to keep my costs as low as possible". In fact, the whole reason he needed to go to B&Q at all is because he decided to buy a London home (15 miles from the constituency) "in an appalling condition" with the intention of doing it up himself. Thus saving us money, obviously.

Fantastic. Thank you, Dr Stoate, for not falling into the trap of deciding to buy a perfectly adequate home like so many other less-reputable MPs. Well done for spotting that the cost of bringing an "inhabitable" maisonette up to scratch would be significantly less than just buying a normal flat.

Thank you, too, for deciding to pay back all £11,000 of the expenses you legitimately claimed for the 2008-09 financial year (which you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of) and for your decision never to claim your second home allowance ever again. I hope the burden, even without any mortgage or rent payments, does not detract from your enjoyment of a little home improvement.

Dr Howard Stoate MP
Salary:		£64,766	- it's just not enough
Second home claims:	04-05	£18,265	- well, it was in a bad state
	05-06	£10,314	- paint isn't cheap, you know
	06-07	£9,374	- (cheaper at the market though)
	07-08	£17,883	- must have re-done the bathroom
	Total	£55,836
	08-09	£11,000	- paid back

Name that tune

2009-05-31T21:44:00.003+01:00

Click here if you need a clue.

From noquedanblogs.com

Why I'll be watching the FA Cup on Setanta

2009-05-28T20:26:00.003+01:00

Screen capture by David Murray, all rights reserved. ITV HD © ITV 2009

How difficult can it be to broadcast a football match? I only ask because ITV have been determined on several occasions this season alone to make a ruddy-great hash of it. They've picked the wrong games to show, they've messed up scheduling, they've missed the only goal of a game... and now they've put on a truly shambolic display in high definition, too.

I say high definition, but for the majority of last night's Champions League final, it was actually upscaled-SD that we were watching on the ITV HD red button service (they haven't even opted to make it a fully-fledged channel). With poor quality audio. And no clock. We were even treated to a farcical montage of a bespectacled Steve Ryder, bemused Teddy Sheringham and boring shot of a studio floor - twice.

It's bad enough having to listen to their sub-standard coverage at the best of times. So from now on, whenever there's a choice - as there will be on Sunday for the FA Cup final - I won't be watching ITV Sport anymore. Setanta Sports will be showing the game unencrypted, so if you've got Sky, cable or Freeview, you'll be able to watch the game with them. That's John Champion, Saint and Greavsie, James Richardson, Macca and Les et al. You might even get to see the whole game, too.

Auf wiedersehen, Pet

2009-05-25T10:39:00.002+01:00

Picture by Hal, some rights reserved

It was the last day of the Premier League season yesterday and, along with West Brom and Middlesbrough, Newcastle United were relegated to ~~Division 1~~ the Championship. I'm quite sad about this in a way, because Newcastle have always been a popular Premiership team (apart from with their North East neighbours), and there's no question that their supporters are some of the best in the league.

Unfortunately, the club is in turmoil: almost a dozen different managers in the last three seasons, a hugely-unpopular owner (who tried and failed miserably to sell the club last year) and his hugely-unpopular friends (AKA the Cockney Mafia) have taken a huge toll on the club. A last-ditch attempt to rescue the club saw them bring in "King" Kevin "The Messiah" Keagan... only for his tenure to be swiftly ended.

The introduction of Alan Shearer, Newcastle legend, really was an act of clutching the last straw. It, not unsurprisingly, failed. With just eight games to go and a squad comprising has-beens and ne'er-will-bes, Newcastle's relegation was pretty much inevitable. Over the course of the season, they simply weren't good enough: their dying throes in yesterday's game turned out to be just a whimper.

An apology.

2009-05-17T12:20:00.001+01:00

Picture by Omar Rodríguez Landeros, some rights reserved

They say first impressions are important, but there's also a good case for reserving judgement on something until you've had some time to consider and reflect upon it. I'm aware that, in the past and even now, I'm guilty of making snap judgements and then stubbornly sticking to this conclusion (even if I later change my mind, or it's quite obvious I'm wrong) in order to avoid backing down.

To redress the balance, I'd like to put the following redactions on the record:

Keane
I once described Keane as the musical equivalent of the anti-Christ. In fact, they're a half-decent pop group.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor
I actually quite like her music.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
I'll never change my mind on this one: this film is truly awful.

Insomnia

2009-05-09T13:55:00.005+01:00

Picture by Pete Barr-Watson, some rights reserved

I had some real trouble sleeping last week, which I have put down to having a ~~guilty conscience~~ slightly messed-up schedule, and no consistency in the times I actually had to get up/go to bed. The upshot of this, aside from feeling like I'd run a marathon by about 5:45 each evening, is that I've been having and remembering some crazy dreams.

In one, Graham Coxon and Damon Albarn entered a song into the Eurovision Song Contest. It was The Greatest Song I have ever heard: a catchy pop number with fantastic vocals, an enchanting melody and wonderfully arranged. It would not only have won the competition, but also been used as an anthem for world peace. Unfortunately, it being a construction of my mind, I can't remember how it went.

In another, I tried to withdraw some money from a Barclays cash machine. Unfortunately, rather than being presented with a crisp £20 note, the hole-in-the-wall dispensed a document which read as follows:

BARCLAYS BANK
This machine has been loaded incorrectly.
We are currently unable to dispense any £17 coins.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Virus

2009-04-21T20:44:00.005+01:00

Metro, 21 April 2009

Sell-out

2009-04-19T13:25:00.001+01:00

I used to boast that I could never be swayed by the power of advertising. I'd though of myself who was intelligent enough to make my own decisions, capable of choosing to spend my money on the products I need (rather than those that look nice and shiny on TV). But I've suddenly realised that I've been living a lie: I'm a massive sell-out.

This shocking discovery came while looking though my music collection: my library is crammed full of tracks that have been featured in adverts. Now obviously, many of these were purchased because they were good songs and which have gone on to be used to help sell products as a result. But there's also an alarming number that I've downloaded purely because I've been used to hearing them in the ad breaks.

The most recent example of this is The Noisettes' Don't Upset The Rhythm, which is a phenomenally good song (Mazda), but I've also got copies of Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons (Beggin', Adidas), Crystal Castles (Air War, Toshiba) and the urge to buy Franz Ferdinand's new album off the back of their iPod ads. The power of advertising, eh?

GNBi

2009-04-18T11:00:00.003+01:00

I had to go to work on Good Friday, so took Tuesday off instead and enjoyed a few days back at home in Dartford. It was a really enjoyable few days, and really nice to see friends and family again. I even bought a little bit of luck to the mighty Darts, who managed to thump Canvey Island 4-0.

It was also an opportunity for me to have a rummage through all the junk we've stashed in the loft to try and find some of the drawings and cartoons I spent most of my time at school sketching/thinking about. OK, not most of my time at school, but certainly every French lesson.

These are some of them, and as you can see, they are nothing short of masterful. Or, to put it another way, the best of a bad bunch. Sadly, the one thing I was looking is MIA: a proper comic that I spent absolutely ages on called Space Rocket Adventures In Space. It was a (very) thinly-veiled satirical take on the invasion of Iraq, but in truth this premise was only introduced to allow for the inclusion of a single punchline. It's possibly the funniest thing you'll ever see... but you can't, because it's lost.

Value for money*

2009-04-14T16:48:00.012+01:00

■ My salary this year
■ What my MP claimed in expenses in one year

Dartford MP, Dr Howard Stoate claimed £147,732 according to a published list of expenses for the financial year beginning in April 2007. Dr Stoate, whose constituency office in Dartford is 15 miles from Westminster, claimed £17,883 for his [second home allowance].

From the Dartford Times.

This disgusts me a little bit (as do the claims of Conservative MPs, Adam Holloway and Michael Fallon for £146,933 and £119,667 respectively, before anyone accuses me of taking political sides). Not just because the amount of cash at MPs' disposal is so much larger than I have to hand, but just because it seems so easy for them to take it. And it makes me wonder how much the three of them managed to claim last year, too.

*sarcasm.

The Apprentice: In several easy steps

2009-04-08T13:27:00.005+01:00

How to make an episode of The Apprentice:

You will need the following:

Music
The soundtrack to the entire series comprises just three pieces of music. These are: the overly-dramatic theme tune (derr, derrn, derr, derrn...); the fast-paced tune, used over shots of the candidates rushing around or desperately trying to sell things at the last minute; and the twinkly one used for building tention and/or suspence.

Film clips
You can never have too many gratuitous shots of London, the Thames, Canary Wharf, interesting-looking road junctions (in London), the rooves of black cabs/double-decker buses/tube trains/Sir Alan's limo all being driven around London. Shots of the candidates using various forms of the capital's public transport systems are also a good choice. These may look slightly frivilous, but there are a vital element of the show's success. Pilot episodes of the show that used footage of Amstrad's real HQ and its surroundings (an industrial estate in Essex) crashed and burned.

A task
The core of each show, the candidates will need a task that doesn't start until just before midday, but that requires them to be woken up and driven around London at half-past-four in the morning (see above). Ideally, the task should look like a barrel-load of monkeys could do it, but proves to be a Herculean task when presented to the would-be Apprenti. Nick and Margaret must point this out at every available opportunity. Sir Alan will definately mention it in the boardroom.

Secretary
Sir Alan's secretary must be blonde, have no duties other than to answer a phone connected to only one room, and must never show her face. Although she should probably be stunning.

The atomic number of zinc is thirty

2009-04-02T20:41:00.004+01:00

I'm not one to be paranoid, nor alarmist – and it's even possible I could be mistaken – but today I survived an assassination attempt.

Yes, it is thanks only to the bullet-proof glass windows fitted as standard to all Stagecoach buses that run route 43 between Sheffield and Chesterfield, and the lightning-fast reactions of the aforementioned-vehicle's driver, that I owe my life. Without them, the stone that some little punk through at me (or possibly just the bus) could have delivered a fatal blow.

Or, failing that, quite a nasty cut and/or bruise on my left ear.

▪ I totally missed The Apprentice last night, and forgot about the repeat this evening too, hence no post about it. The measures I put in place to avoid hearing the "result" worked fairly well until about lunchtime today until one of my colleagues told me who got fired (and why) before my fingers could reach my ears. This will no doubt spoil my viewing of the programme quite significantly, but at least it's only week two (and therefore still Not Really All That Important In The Grand Scheme Of Things. "Things" Being This Series Of The Apprentice.

▪ According to the experts, I have quite a nice chin. From a purely Maxillo-facial/Orthodontic point of view, obviously.

Mustn't grumble

2009-04-01T01:37:00.000+01:00

Sunday sport

2009-03-29T17:39:00.007+01:00

What a fantastic start to the Formula 1 season. There's been so much hype surrounding the negative aspects of this season's rule changes, that it was great just to get to see some racing. And how. After years of dull processions, F1 looked to have made a return to the good old days, based on today's Australian Grand Prix. First corner crash? Check. Exciting overtaking? Check. Dangerous manoeuvres? Check. British driver atop the podium? Check.

▪ ITV don't have much luck with sport. After their farcical coverage of the FA Cup this year (plus a history of poor decisions - from The Premiership to ONdigital - and their involvement with (what will hopefully become known as) the "dull years" of Formula 1, today was the last time they will be showing the Oxford vs Cambridge University Boat Race. In fairness, their coverage of the event has been praised, but what you have to ask is - who cares? There's no other sporting event in the world that has such selective entrance criteria (except, perhaps, the Scottish Football League), or such a small base of genuine supporters (except, perhaps, etc. etc.). How is it still going?

▪ Dartford FC only managed a draw against promotion-chasing Tonbridge Angels yesterday, but the Darts are definitely "still going"; our overall performance this season remains strong. After a poor start, and fleeting fears of a lower-bottom-half finish, the team have cemented their place in the league by setting up camp just outside the play-off places. It's still tight, and with six games to go, nothing can be taken for granted... but it's great to see the club taking steady strides towards where we want to be.

	Ryman Premier	Pld	W	D	L	GD	Pts
7	Wealdstone	36	15	7	14	+11	52
8	Dartford	36	14	9	13	+4	51
9	Maidstone	35	13	10	12	+2	49

The Apprentice: Wash out

2009-03-25T21:11:00.007Z

The Apprentice is back. And how.

It always amazes me how clueless the candidates seem to be about the whole process. At times, the new candidates seem to have learnt from the mistakes of the past – for example, both teams managed to sort out team names pretty rapidly this year – but then everything falls apart.

The women couldn't get themselves organised, at first spending too long choosing a team leader, then arguing over how much money to spend on cleaning products... and then bitching about it in the taxis. Their approach didn't look like it could get any worse... until they started arguing with their potential customers over how much to charge! £300 to clean three limos? £300?!? The phrase "That's an amazing quote" really shouldn't be used when you're charging double what the guy's currently paying.

The boys on the other hand started very promisingly indeed. Within five minutes they'd sorted out a plan, had a potential client on the phone, and were ready to start. Geordie Philip secured a good deal, and after a slightly shaky start they had a great system in place. Team leader Howard let panic set in though, and abandoned their nice little shoe-shining venture to get the job done. In the end, it didn't prove to be disastrous decision, but it was a move that split the team right down the middle.

Speaking of divisions, the girl's team followed the script perfectly by turning the Boardroom into a slanging match. Fingers were pointed, blame was allocated, bucks were passed. Sir Alan cut through them like a hot scythe through butter. Then team leader Mona continued another fine Apprentice tradition - choosing the two people that Sir Alan singled out for criticism to bring back with her to the firing line.

None of the three managed to cover themselves in glory - even Debra's attempt at a pincer attack on teary Mona nearly backfired spectacularly when Anita completely failed to back her up. Fortunately for her, when it comes to failures of character vs. failures of frugality, Sir Alan is always going to lean one way. Anita got the boot for spending to much shmatah.

Quotes of the Week
▫ "What's this?" - "It's a duster."
▫ "He's like Adolf Hitler... he's a bit picky"
▫ "Oh, I feel like P-Diddy" (sounds best in a Geordie accent)

Haute Définition

2009-03-20T11:14:00.002Z

With a few hours to kill last weekend, I thought I'd go for a wander around town and get some window shopping done (I'd incorrectly assumed that the supermarket opened at 10.00 on a Sunday morning, so rather than being the first person in the store, I was actually an hour early). This is always a slightly dangerous thing to do, because I'm not very good at resisting the temptation to actually buy something - usually music, but occasionally a new gadget or piece of hi-tech kit to play with.

It was with a certain sense of inevitability then when I saw an ex-display (read: reduced price) HD Freesat box on offer in John Lewis... and ended up taking it home. In the battle of Head vs Heart, the latter was victorious, despite the very strong argument from Head that there was no guarantee that the "SAT" connection plate on the wall of the flat was connected to a dish at the other end.

I'm very glad I did though, because although the channels available through Freesat are on a par with Freeview (no Dave or Sky Sports News, but you do get er... Zone Romantica?), you can't yet get high definition (HD) broadcasts through an aerial.

Only the BBC HD channel and selected ITV programmes are available, but they are well worth the outlay. The first thing I watched was the England vs France game, and the difference in the quality of the viewing experience is incredible. I had previously doubted what benefits HD would bring to sports coverage, but I rescind these unreservedly.

Similarly, and even though I'm not really a big fan of nature documentaries, Nature's Great Events is mesmerising television in HD. The crashing waves, soaring birds, swarming fish and murdering whales looked almost 3D, even on my "half-HD" (720p) set.

Sometime in the future, everything will be HD. That day can't come soon enough, because it's the way that television should be in the twenty-first century. Shame it can't do much for the script-writing - if you're going to watch Law & Order: UK, do with the sound off.

Review: Lego Indiana Jones

2009-03-19T13:08:00.003Z

The story
The story follows the plot of the original Indiana Jones trilogy pretty faithfully – in Lego, of course – so we join the archaeologist as he gallivants around the world in search of priceless treasures and adventure. This being Lego, the Nazi content has been toned down somewhat, and there's no face-melting when the Ark of the Covenant is prised open. However, this is more than made up for by bucket-loads of comedy, wit and charm that you can expect from the little plastic Danish guys.

The game
The game is split into eighteen levels, with each "film" made up of six stages. Throughout each stage, there are a number of different objectives. The first is to collect coins, which can be used to buy new characters and unlock extra features upon your return to Bartlett College. There are also artefacts and unlockable features hidden on every level to discover. Challenges require a combination of puzzle-solving, building, jumping, dodging and "teamwork" with your sidekick; this latter aspect of the game is one of it's most successful traits, and one which helps make it so playable.

The journey
Fantastically constructed, there are hours and hours of fun to be had from Lego Indy. You can play through all the levels in Story mode, essentially recreating the films, or play purely for fun in Free Play mode. Thanks to the vast number of unlockable extra features, characters and modes, playing levels over and over again is never a chore. Indeed, it's often essential: only certain characters can unlock vast sections of some levels, so playing them again with a different sidekick presents an entirely new challenge.

The controls
Controlling your characters is fairly straightforward, and you can choose between a combination of controller-flicking or plain-old button pushing to navigate the levels. Fortunately, the two options aren't mutually exclusive, which comes in handy when you need to swing across a ravine and can't for the life of you remember which button does what.

The graphics and music
The music is wonderful, but that's only to be expected as it's the soundtrack from the films. Atmospheric and subtle during the simpler sections of the levels; stirring and dramatic during the fight scenes; and who can resist that theme tune? The graphics are also impressive; the combination of realistic landscapes and things made out of Lego sounds like a recipe for disaster, but it's carried off beautifully.

The verdict
Awesome. There's days of gameplay to be enjoyed just by playing the story; free play levels and extras will keep you coming back. Occasionally dodgy AI control of your sidekick can make completing some challenges frustrating, but the rest of the game is strong enough to patch-over these minor faults. 9/10.

When you get what you want,

2009-03-08T13:13:00.003Z

but not what you need

For the latter half of last year, I'd been saving up a little bit of money each month to buy myself a new, flat-screen television set. This plan worked for about two months, then I had a splurge, then Christmas came along, and by the start of 2009 I was worse off than I'd been in October. Nevertheless, I'd set my heart on a new TV, and finally got round to buying one (out of my overdraft, in the end) a few weeks into January.

(This was also at the expense of a new laptop, as the old one broke on the morning of my TV shopping trip... but by that stage, ~~I was far too excited to change my plans~~ my mind was made up.)

Now, I don't have much cash to spare at the moment either, but there are a great number of things all calling to me to be purchased. After I foolishly broke my digital camera last year (don't leave them at the bottom of your suitcase, folks. Especially when you're lugging that suitcase across London on trains), I've been thinking about getting a new one. But there's also some nice new MP3 Walkmans that I keep eyeing-up in John Lewis. And now I've got my HD-ready TV all set up, wouldn't it be nice to plug in a nice new HD Freesat box? Plus there's all those Wii games and accessories – they're not cheap... but they look like so much fun...

Hmm, I think I might need to draw up a budget.

A grand don't come for free

2009-03-01T18:07:00.003Z

The internet has changed the way people think about business. Not only has it blast the marketplace wide open – at the expense of companies like Zavvi – but it's also turned the notion of the business model on its head: companies are able to offer services online for free, and still generate revenues.

In the early stages, it looked like selling advertising was the answer. But the limitations of this approach soon became clear. Not only did they not generate very much cash, the system (where advertisers paid sites per click) was open to abuse. Furthermore, people soon became tired of irritating banners, pop-ups and splash pages... they used technology to block them, or voted with their feet and went elsewhere.

Webco's were forced to be as dynamic and innovative with their business planning as they were with their internet services. For small-time sites, the "T-shirt economy" now provides a steady, if somewhat meagre, income which at least covers costs.

Last.fm have an option to "subscribe" to their online music service. Even though the vast majority of the service provided is the same as that offered to people for nothing, a fair number of people chose to pay. I was one of them, because I enjoyed using the service and wanted to give a little back. I also thought they needed the money, which at the time they did. Since they were taken over by American media giant CBS, though, I haven't paid them a penny.

They say that money goes to money, but several examples from the internet show that sites that turn a small but loyal following into a significant revenue stream. Failing that, the open-source nature of many sites means they can tap in to a wealth of experience and get work done on their behalf for nothing. Wikipedia is the ultimate example of this: it's a tome of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy breadth, and yet none of its contributors have earned a cent for their efforts. Last year, Facebook came under fire for asking its users to translate the site into other languages, rather than using its own money and have professionals do the job.

And then there's Twitter. Originally, it planned to offer a service that would see everyone receive a text message every time someone they were following posted a message. As the popularity of Twitter grew (and then exploded), so too did their overheads. Remember, too, that they don't actually make any money for themselves; the biggest benefactors are the mobile phone companies.

Which is where the opportunity to make money arises. Twitter is now generating so much extra revenue for the mobile phone networks that they can afford to ask for commission. Based on the deal they've just inked with Canada's Bell Telecom, texts to Twitter will cost more, but this is because a percentage will be used to fund the service for the first time. If it means keeping Twitter "free", I think it's a small price to pay.

Gone for lunch

2009-02-28T16:23:00.004Z

This is the sign in the window of Zavvi, Sheffield, this weekend. The store has finally closed it's doors after collapsing into administration late last year. It's a shame to see it go, even if it had lost the history associated with Our Price and Virgin Megastores, but it was also inevitable. Video killed the radio star; iTunes killed the record store.

In Sheffield, there's a "masterplan" to expand the city centre with a brand new retail quarter. Construction - or rather, demolition to clear the site - began in the economic boom of 2008. Sadly, with so many shops closing, it looks like a rather silly idea today, and work has been put on indefinite hiatus. USC has closed; The Link shut down; Zavvi is no more; Woolworths kicked the bucket; Barclays have downsized from three branches to just one; the days of seeing Lloyds TSB and Halifax branches side-by-side are surely numbered. The High Street is literally shrinking, because these stores will not be replaced.

So farewell, Zavvi. Well done for sticking it out this long. Say hello to Our Price for me.

Janvier, Février

2009-02-15T13:37:00.005Z

I've seen some boring football matches in my time. I've been to games with very little atmosphere. I've been to see games on playing fields and in horrible stadiums. But I've never seen a game quite as bad as Rotherham vs Macclesfield Town at the Don Valley Stadium (last month). It was dire. No soul, no excitement, not even any good football. And it cost me £20 to get in, too.

◊ Last month was a really busy time at work, so I managed to build up quite a bit of flexitime, even after a couple of afternoons off to see the dentist. Unfortunately, it's been all but wiped-out by the snow; it's taken longer to get into the office, and we usually closed earlier than usual during the worst of the wintry snap in the first week of February. C'est la vie.

◊ Dartford have had a few games postponed due to the weather, but we've been unbeaten in the last seven we've managed to play, which has shot us into sixth place in the league. It's a fantastic run, and just the sort of boost we needed to show those around us that we're getting back where we belong.

◊ I've bought a copy of Mario Kart Wii, which – considering it's a children's game – has provoked some extremely bad-languaged tirades. On the plus side, it means I can use my (terrible) high-pitched Italian accent more often (first Gianfranco Zola, now Mario et al)...

The view

2009-02-14T12:51:00.005Z

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This is what Windows Vista feels like.

Last weekend I finally got fed up of not having a working computer, so I decided to pop down to Currys and see if I could grab a bargain. Not really wanting to spend more than £300, I was expecting to be faced with the choice of a feature-light netbook (impossible to type on) or a low-spec tiny-screen laptop. As it happens, I was plesantly suprised, and managed to pick up an 15-inch widescreen Advent with Dual Core processor, a good-sized hard drive and decent features for my money.

Unfortunately, it also comes with Windows Vista. I'd heard horror stories about Vista, but never actually seen or used it until now. Sadly, this was also the point at which the pleasant suprises stopped.

There are countless things I don't like about it, many of which are tiny little issues that wouldn't be so annoying if they had also been present in XP. The fact is though, on a whole host of fronts, XP was simply better. Windows have fallen victim to the previous operating system's sucess, and obviously decided that the practice of changing things for the sake of it was the way to go. Hence pressing backspace no longer takes you to the previous folder; the taskbar needs to be selected before you can click any of the notification area icons; thumbnails don't work like they used to; the start menu shortcuts behave differently; Windows Media Player doesn't allow you to show the artist in the "Now Playing" pane... and it asks more bloody questions than a US Customs officer.

It looks nice, though.

Fault

2009-01-25T12:57:00.004Z

My laptop's broken, which is an incredibly annoying development for several reasons, one of them being the unscheduled suspension of Thunderbozz until it's fixed.

Review: De Blob

2009-01-14T13:37:00.002Z

The story
The planet has been taken over by the evil INKT Corporation, a corporate military dictatorship hell-bent on draining every last drop of colour from Chroma City. It's not long before Comrade Black has turned the entire town grey and enslaved the population. Enter the Colour Underground, the last pocket of resistance, and their secret weapon... de Blob.

The game
The game is split into ten levels, where the object is to restore colour using de Blob as a giant, comic paintbrush. Smashing open Leechbots and draining them of the colour they're carrying enables de Blob to "paint" the buildings by jumping on them. Once enough buildings have been restored (in other words, once you've collected enough points), you can advance to the next sector. Along the way, there are four categories of mini-games and challenges, some of which have to be completed to allow you to progress. These include races, painting challenges and battling the Inkies (foot soldiers). There are also additional challenges within each level, such as ensuring you restore all the trees, or paint over all of INKT's propaganda billboards.

The journey
In other words, how does the plot and game get you from A to B. Each level is the same in terms of structure (you paint, you unlock the gate, you carry on...), but the levels are linked with excellent cut-scenes and the plot is very strong. Levels can be played a variety of different ways, from the "free paint" mode where you just paint for fun to attempting to complete all the challenges within the time limit. A straight forward, linear story, but that makes completing the game all the more satisfying.

The controls
Easy. You roll around using the thumb-stick on the nunchuck, and jump with a flick of the controller. Levels can take up to an hour and a half to complete if you're determined to complete everything, so the ability to play the game sitting down is essential, but without losing the fun that comes with shaking your hands like a loon to fill a building with paint.

The graphics and music
Recognised as one of the best looking and sounding games on the platform by various gaming websites and magazines, de Blob is more than a match for any computer game I've ever seen. Although it's deliberately cartoon-like, the rendering is amazing. The music is a particular triumph, as the soundtrack changes dynamically, depending on where you are, what colour you're painting with and how much energy you have.

The verdict
Fantastic. Completing the game only took a matter of weeks (on and off), but that's because I used every opportunity to play in that time. Since then, I've been back to try and complete the challenges missed the first time round. Hugely enjoyable, funny and charming, de Blob is right up my street. 9/10.

There is also a selection of two-player mini-games, but I've not had a chance to test them as my useless housemate is colourblind...

Typically Tropical

2009-01-13T19:55:00.004Z

I have decided to scrap my one semi-serious new year's resoultion (to try and reach the arbitrary magic number of five portions of fruit and veg a day) because it backfired in the most spectacular fashion. After four days of fruit juice with breakfast, fresh fruit in the afternoon, lots of veg with dinner... I was struck down with a cold. They say "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" – well too much fruit can kill a man, too, you know.

Despite my severe illness, I managed to battle my way into work... and all this despite the literally freezing temperatures up here in Sheffield, which would have made the journey miserable even if I'd been fighting fit.

Actually, that's probably not true. I think the only time you can appreciate cold weather, sub-zero temperatures and snow underfoot is when you know that it's not contributing to the destruction of your immune system.

According to reports, it was even freezing cold in the tropical south, where the first ever game at Princes Park to be postponed was, erm, postponed. As is traditional in the lower levels of the non-league at this time of year, a huge gulf is starting to develop in the "games played" column, but the Darts ate holding up well. We've climbed up to eighth (hello, Sky Sports News-viewers-who-only-ever-see-the-top-half-of-the-table), and hopefully we'll not be moving too far from there any time soon.

"Stand back"

2009-01-02T20:22:00.002Z

2009 has well and truly arrived, a point hammered home by the number of times I had to type the date on letters at work today. January is traditionally the busiest month where I work, and there was a huge pile of papers sitting in the "in" tray this morning. Fortunately, it would seem that most of our clients decided to take the day off, because the phone barely rung all day.

I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas and New Year's Eve. We were out in a surprisingly quiet Sheffield city centre for the first few hours of the latter, gradually working our way towards the Cavendish on West Street via the marvellous new Players bar (barmaids in cheerleading costumes + great music + Sky Sports News = marvellous) and 'Spoons.

The plan was to move on to my friends' flat down by the riverside to see in the new year itself, but there was a bit of a snag. The lock on their front door failed, despite numerous attempts, to actually unlock the door. Faced with the prospect of calling a locksmith at twenty-minutes-to-2009 or kicking the thing down, we plumped for the most sensible solution...

And once we'd tidied up the splintered wood and bashed most of the frame back into place, we could finally crack open some beers and see out 2008 in style.

Because I never keep them, I'm not going to set any specific resolutions this year, except possibly to try to eat more fruit and veg. I suppose it just remains for me to say Happy New Year; may it bring you prosperity, happiness, and five portions a day.

MMIX

2009-01-01T14:38:00.001Z

Happy New Year, everyone.

The One Where Quite A Lot Of Stuff Changed

2008-12-30T21:46:00.003Z

So, 2008 is nearly over, and it's that time of year between Christmas and the new year – wittily known as "Old Year's Week" by one contributor to The Daily Telegraph's letters page this week – when people look back at the events of the last twelve months.

For me, this year will probably be remembered as The One Where Quite A Lot Of Stuff Changed. I finished university back in the spring, putting an end to nearly fifteen years of full-time education (and, to be frank, fifteen years of keeping the Real World at arm's length). Now, I have a full-time job, and with it, the right to moan/worry about grown-up things like the Credit Crunch, the threat of recession, politics and interest rates.

The culture of British life has undergone a huge shift in the last decade; caution was thrown to the wind as people began to live beyond their means. Getting hold of cash – cold, hard money – became so easy, that today's generation have come to accept the ability to borrow as a right rather than a privilege. I'm very lucky for two reasons: firstly, my (Student Loan) debts are on extremely favourable terms, and I don't really have to worry about paying them off. Secondly, joining the workforce at this time of financial insecurity means that my fellow graduates and I will continue to manage our money carefully. It's frustrating that even with a paid job, one has to live like a student, but that's life.

Review: Sonic Unleashed

2008-12-21T12:25:00.005Z

The story
It's classic Sonic as far as the story goes: a really fantastic looking video at the start of the game explains how Dr Robotnik manages to trap Sonic with a special new ray, harness the power of the Chaos Emeralds he was carrying and use them to crack open the planet. This not only unleashes "Dark Gaia", a mysterious beast within the planet's core, but also turns Sonic into a Werehog when the sun goes down. Sonic must travel around the world, repairing the planet by collecting rings, defeating enemies and returning the Chaos Emeralds to a series of temples.

The game
The game is split into two: during the day, you race around at blindingly fast speeds, collecting rings, running round loop-the-loop tracks and smashing through blocks. The game mode switches between classic side-scrolling mode and "3D" gameplay. By night, Sonic transforms into a much slower, but far more violent beast: enemies encountered along the way have to be defeated before you can move on (Final Fantasy-style), and Unleashed becomes a fighting game. To progress through the game, you have to play both these types of levels, which can be frustrating if you're in the mood for one specific level type and not the other. Because of the change of pace, the daytime levels are over too quickly and the night levels drag on a little, too.

The journey
In other words, how does the plot and game get you from A to B. The answer is, unfortunately, badly. The plot doesn't take you from one level to the next like classic Sonic games, nor does it allow you to choose your own journey a la Grand Theft Auto (you can decide which level to play next, but you won't be able to progress very far). Navigation is by the impressive-looking world map, but you can also travel around by transporting yourself from one continent to the next through a special portal in the temples. By doing so, you totally lose track of where you're supposed to go next. Certain items can only be unlocked by "talking" to villagers, most of whom have nothing to say. Very frustrating.

The controls
As a purist, I've been playing the game using the classic controller rather than the Wii controller and nunchuck; apart from the problem that I always have, and probably always will have with Nintendo controllers (namely that the A and B buttons are the wrong-way around) it's very easy to pick up.

The graphics and music
Quite good; cut scenes are impressive; menus look nice; the day levels look amazing as you run through them at the speed of light, but also hold up well when you stop and have a look around. Night levels look great too, with reflections and lighting effects adding a bit of atmosphere. Soundtrack isn't too annoying, and you can even listen to the tracks in the game's own media player.

The verdict
I got my copy of Sonic Unleashed for £18. That's probably a fair price, but I wouldn't suggest you spend any more on it. If the balance between the time spent playing the levels and the time spend actually getting to them could be sorted out, this would be a good game. As it is, you'll probably be tempted to select "No" more often than not at the "Continue playing?" screen. 4/10.

Wiiconomics

2008-12-07T12:01:00.004Z

One thing you'll have noticed being advertised heavily on television recently is games consoles. This is interesting for several reasons. For one, it demonstrates the fierce rivalry between the manufacturers to be number one. For another, it's that each console is being sold on different merits.

The XBox 360 is selling itself as the cheapest option. Every single advert ends on the price ("consoles start from £129.99") because Microsoft are desperate to make their mark. They should do very well out of this because - although it lacks the very useful hard drive - even the cheapest XBox is a phenomenally good piece of hardware, with a great selection of games and features.

Faced with this threat, Sony are pushing the PlayStation 3 as the home of a range of exclusive games (like Little Big Planet). Oddly, the most unique of the PS3's Unique Selling Points is never mentioned in the ads: its Blu–Ray drive means that the PS3 is the cheapest high definition DVD player on the market, yet I've not seen a single ad pushing this feature. Perhaps Sony are a little bit embarrassed by it because it means they make a loss on every single console sold.

The PlayStation Portable is being sold as the device that can do everything: play movies, stream television, surf the web, play games and music, take photos...

Then there's Nintendo's Wii (and DS). Last Christmas, they had to pull adverts for the Wii from TV screens because they would have been advertising a product that was impossible to get hold of. Since then – in fact, since launched two years ago – sales have remained incredibly strong. Nintendo have said that they have no plans to cut the price of the Wii until 2010 at the earliest (because frankly, they don't have to).

They have hit upon a winning formula that has confounded the games industry, and defied all predictions. Developing a console for people who don't play on games consoles could have been a disastrous gamble, but its paid dividends. Not only are people like my Mum buying them, but they're also shelling out on expensive games and accessories. Wii Fit is the perfect illustration of this: I saw an old couple in John Lewis last week spend hundreds of pounds on a Wii console with Wii Fit that they would never have spent on Mario or Sonic in a million years.

The Wii doesn't have the best selection of games, but it's shown that a little but of innovation goes a long way. You can already snowboard and skate on your Balance Board, and chat online through the Wii Speak microphone; from next year, there'll be yet another must-have accessory which will bring the Wii even closer to the sort of virtual reality games portrayed in science fiction. Now that's progress worth paying for.

This knowledge will be lost in a generation.

2008-11-30T10:25:00.003Z

You might have seen an advert on television recently featuring Ronan Keating's wife and daughter playing (New) Super Mario Bros. on a Nintendo DS, during which Mrs K says "I used to play this when I was a little girl, you know". It would appear that the DS is this generation's Werther's Originals.

That comment got me thinking. Nowadays of course, it's possible to play the whole game on a games console of roughly the same physical size as the original version's cartridge. Kids these days would have no idea what to do with one, and they'll probably be looking back at MiniDisks, cassette tapes and VCRs in a few years time (if not already) as if they're from another planet. Technology is progressing so quickly, that cutting-edge developments can become low-tech overnight.

This is a little bit frightening in itself, but perhaps more worrying is that an entire generation of practical knowledge could also be lost. As anyone who owned (or owns) an "old school" games console will tell you, there is one tried-and-tested method for getting troublesome cartridges to start working properly: take it out the console; bang it; blow it; then bang it back in the console with a firm whack. This method never failed.

* * *

I got in a bit of a panic yesterday morning. I was on my laptop, just about to check my e-mails, when it suddenly died. Without warning, the screen went blank, the lights went out and the hard drive fell silent. At first, I thought the battery had come loose, but it hadn't (and besides, it was still plugged in to the mains). I tried pressing the power button, but still nothing. I unplugged everything, tried again... nothing.

By now I was getting worried. The last thing I need now is a hefty repair bill (or even the hassle of getting a new laptop). I opened up the back, took out the hard drive, took out the RAM, put everything back, checked all the screws, pressed the power button and... still nothing.

I had hit a dead end... but then I remembered... a last resort; it was so crazy it might just work.

I unplugged the laptop; banged it; blew it; then plugged it back in. God bless you, years wasted playing Sega Master System.

Give the man a medal.

2008-11-26T20:42:00.005Z

Bernie Ecclestone has announced his intentions to introduce a new scoring system into Formula 1 motor-racing. In response to critics (me included) who say that modern safety regulations, dull circuit configurations and restrictions on car designs have led to "processions" instead of races.

In response, Ecclestone wants to introduce a medals system to encourage drivers to attempt overtaking manoeuvres:

"If you're in the lead and I'm second, I'm not going to take the risk of falling off the circuit or doing something stupid to get two points. If I need a gold medal to win the championship, I will overtake. It's just not on that someone can win the championship without winning a race."

Bernie Ecclestone.

What he fails to realise is that rather than encouraging everyone to try and claim first place, it will create an unworkable league in which the top five or six drivers will be the only ones able to compete for the championship. After a few races, this number could be down to just two; if the same driver wins every race from the start, the entire second-half of the season will be meaningless.

At a time when F1 is losing teams and drivers (the credit crunch means lesser teams simply can't afford to compete... and if you've got no chance of winning, why bother?) this move appears all the more ludicrous.

Why I should be Chancellor of the Exchequer

2008-11-25T19:52:00.004Z

The government are a bunch of idiots, Alistair Darling is a fool, and the Prime Minister is a class-A doofus.* To paraphrase Frankie Boyle as Gordon Brown, "If you thought Tony Blair was a c***, watch this".

The reason I hate them all this week is the Pre-Budget Report. Everyone knew that very difficult decisions would have to be made in an attempt to lessen the impact of the global economic slump on Britain. Everyone knew that the numbers involved would be staggering. But no-one wanted what we got.

The government want us to spend our way out of the recession. It's the most effective way of overcoming a downturn in an economy that trades on confidence. The paradox of thrift, the vicious circle of recession, the economic gloom... all these can be overcome by encouraging people to spend their money.

But rather than leading Britons on with the carrot, the government have merely waved it under our noses. The stick will follow shortly. Instead of taking one brave step (giving everyone an income tax cut, which would have given everyone an incentive to spend because they would have more money in their wallets), a series of small, insignificant cuts and rate changes will gradually trickle through.

A 2.5% reduction in VAT will annoy a lot of people, and not make much difference (financially) to the rest. Shops, businesses and accountants will feel the most aggrieved: if they want to pass on the tax cut – and for only 2.5%, the incentive isn't tremendous – they will have to change every shelf-edge price ticket, every till and every day book. The rest of us probably wont notice the change: it only amounts to a 1.4% reduction in the price of everyday goods.

Taxes will even be increased (in real terms) on already expensive essentials/luxuries like petrol and alcohol. National Insurance contributions will be increased. Some people will have 45p out of every £1 they earn taken away from them in the highest tax bands. 45% of everything they earn. Yes, they're getting paid a lot... but it's little wonder people move their money out of Britain PLC when their faced with tax regimes like that.

*I have toned down the language quite a lot here.

Oft

2008-11-17T19:58:00.002Z

I'm giving the blog a rest for a little while. So if you'd like to keep up with me (Lord only knows why), I'd suggest you follow my Twitter feed (which is updated whenever I publish a new blog post anyway).

There's lots I'd like to write about, but I haven't really had the time to devote to it recently. Consider this brief note an explanation and a half-baked apology.

The Grand Prize

2008-11-03T21:28:00.003Z

As a kid, Sunday afternoons were all about the Grand Prix. Formula 1 had everything: fast cars and fast crashes, the exquisite mixture of danger and sporting excellence, the exciting combination of pure speed and tactical nous. The sport had character and characters - the battles were personal, the storylines of every season were more captivating than any TV drama.

Having Brits leading the way helped too.

In recent years, F1 has been a massive disappointment. The death of Ayrton Senna ruined the sport*, as tracks became safer, the performance of cars was artificially capped, and the opportunities afforded to drivers to manoeuvre and overtake drastically reduced. Years ago, if you missed the first two minutes of a race, you'd have missed the inevitable first-corner crash: now, you'd probably catch the Safety Car carefully guiding a procession of cars around a few splinters of carbon fibre.

Which is why it was fantastic to see a genuinely exciting race on Sunday. The weather played its part by restoring the element of unpredictability so sorely lacking in the past few years. And of course, it was great to see a British driver take home the championship again. Sadly, despite the return of coverage to the BBC from next season, I don't think the glory days of F1 will return. Which is a shame, because the new world champion deserves to be proud of his own sport.

*I mean no disrespect by this, but we'll never see a truly "exciting" track again thanks to Health & Safety concerns.

Fields it is then.

2008-11-02T11:15:00.002Z

I went to see the new James Bond film last night. Quantum of Solace is the second movie of the Daniel Craig era, in which all the titles have to have two "O"s in them so that they can be used to make up the number "007" on the poster.

I thought that Casino Royale was a fantastic movie for several reasons. As well as being a good film in its own right, it also made a very good job of reinventing the Bond franchise. All the best bits were maintained (car chases, gadgets, puns) but the story was started afresh and the hero still looked more like Mr Bond than Mr Bean by the closing credits.

Unfortunately, the makers of Quantum must also have loved Casino Royale, because they based 50% of the new film's storyline on it. If, like many people in the audience last night, you haven't seen it (or can't remember what happened), you will get lost at some points. It's great to have continuity between films, but the level of assumed knowledge you had to have to fully enjoy Quantum was simply too high.

As a result it felt like the middle film of a trilogy. Lacking a clear beginning and leaving you with nothing even closely resembling a cliffhanger was quite frustrating. If the middle wasn't so good, you'd have felt cheated.

The story was solid, and it's nice to see that the product placement that ruined Casino Royale has been toned down. Sadly, the new Bond was too "new Bond" and felt a little bit too far removed from the traditional formula to be considered a great 007 flick (IMHO). Hopefully the next film will have a considerably larger quantum of cheese.

▫ Idea for a film: Quantity of Soleros. James Bond must battle the Icelandic fridge magnate (boom! boom!) Magnum, aided by the beautiful Bond girl Callipo. No? No?

Wii

2008-10-13T13:37:00.000+01:00

They say you should spend your first pay-packet on whatever you want, rather than using for anything boring and practical (like food or rent), so that's exactly what I've done. I'm not sure if they mean every first pay-packet, but that's how I've interpreted it – and to be honest, it was only for two weeks' work, so I've not spend as much as I could/probably would have done.

I'd only played on one a few times before buying one of my own, but the Nintendo Wii has always had a massive appeal for me. I don't like games where you have to think too hard (Timesplitters is the most strategic game I enjoy playing); where you have to concentrate for too long (Ten-minute games of PES are just about right); or where the story gets in the way of the action (I watch with astonishment at anyone who enjoys playing Final Fantasy).

The Wii's philosophy – that games should be fun first and foremost – is fantastic. The control system is a stroke of genius: I've never met anyone who could play a console game without violently shaking and twisting their controllers in a desperate attempt to jump or turn or score. The first thing ~~you notice~~ I noticed about it when it came out of the box is that it's beautifully engineered as well. The build-quality and detailing is stunning. The whole set-up is so easy to set-up and get into that it puts a lot of electronics equipment to shame.

I'll be writing more about the Wii in future. Because it's ace.

The weekend is there for you to use

2008-10-12T11:00:00.000+01:00

As I've mentioned previously, writing updates to this blog is becoming increasingly more difficult because I simply don't have enough time during the week to dedicate to it. I'm considering a return to a Story of Bozz-style weekly update. Starting... erm, next week.

▫ Many of my favourite radio stations over the years have all suffered from an annoying tendency to not last very long. I could name at least half-a-dozen which now no longer exist, and several more which have been reduced to shadows of their former selves. It's very pleasing, therefore, to see one of them make a phoenix-like return to the airwaves. Jazz FM relaunched this week, after being replaced by Smooth Radio and after 'rival' replacement theJazz was closed earlier this year. I wish it the best of luck.

▫ England eventually ground-out a result against Kazakhstan yesterday, but unfortunately Dartford couldn't turn over Margate earlier in the afternoon. We lost 1-0, but remain in thirteenth.

It's like I'm ******* five

2008-10-11T12:25:00.004+01:00

* Note to taxman: I don't really get paid like this.

Quick! There's time to be wasted!

2008-10-04T13:11:00.002+01:00

I've been working in my new job for three weeks now, and if the Monday-to-Friday, nine-to-five routine has taught me anything, it's to appreciate the weekends. Apologies for the lack of updates, but it's taken a lot for me to adjust to such a (comparatively) heavy work-load, and as much as I would have liked to, posting on here was just too much effort.

▫ The flat is still covered in scaffolding, so even when we have had some sunshine up here in Sheffield (which has not happened often in the last few weeks), it's still pretty dingy inside. The recent cold-snap means that our place probably isn't suitable for anyone who suffers from the fictional "SAD" syndrome. To date, after four weeks of it being erected, the builders have: 1. painted the window frames; 2. er... that's it.

▫ Dartford FC have managed to pull a couple of victories out of the bag since the last update, although our FA Cup run came to a disappointingly-early end last week. We didn't even make it on to Setanta, although congratulations should go to Derren Ibrahim who was awarded Player of the Round for his contribution in our opening game of the campaign. Nevertheless, it's the league that is the most important concern. We're fourteenth going into today's game at Billericay (tenth). Come on you Darts.

▫ Despite being paid on Tuesday, it's had virtually no effect as a combination of a heavy weekend of drinking and socialising last week, bills and council tax to pay... and a moment of weakness in HMV.

Je suis

2008-09-23T18:54:00.004+01:00

I am my mother, who told me not to eat too many Digestives "because they'll give you diabetes".

I am my father, who took me to Watling Street when I was knee-high and started my love affair with Dartford FC.

I am my brother, who tried (in vein) to teach me to ride a bike.

I am the bullies who put me off school, and the teachers who kept swapping my cutlery over (just because I eat left-handed).

I am all the people who laugh at my jokes, and who always make me smile with comebacks of their own.

I am my friends who gave me the best nicknames, and the best memories.

I am who I am because of everyone.

Advice for new students

2008-09-21T19:40:00.003+01:00

It was three years ago this weekend that I started student life. Now of course, I've joined the working world, but I'm not too old to remember "what it was like". With this is mind, and before I'm morally obliged to turn against students (lazy, money-grabbing layabouts, etc. etc...), I thought I'd pass on a few pearls of wisdom.

Talk to everyone
University is all about socialising (oh, and learning), so start as you mean to go on. Freshers Week is the perfect opportunity to talk to as many people as you can (and not look weird), because everyone is in the same boat. I'm ~~quite~~ very shy around people I don't know, but you have to bite the bullet and speak. Most importantly, though, be yourself – because no-one likes a fake, and three years is a long time to keep lying. You'll probably never speak to the vast majority of people you'll meet, but some of them could turn out to be your very bestest friends.

Be a Facebook whore
As a general rule, I hate Facebook whores: people who are add anyone and everyone they've ever come into contact with, but who'd struggle to name even a small percentage of their 700 "friends". At university though, this sort of behaviour is acceptable, and often quite useful. Being friends with loads of people allows you to find out loads of useful information, whether it's people discussing one of your assignments on their walls, or finding out about a massive house-party at the weekend. It's also an excellent way to waste time.

Buying new books is for losers
Losers of money, that is. With minimal planning, you should never have to walk into a Waterstones/Blackwells throughout your entire time at uni. Second-hand books are often considerably cheaper than the new editions, and they're readily available. Amazon marketplace, charity shops and second-hand bookstores are the best places to look: you'll probably find people advertising their old books for sale around the campus/union, too. You might have to hunt around, or wait for delivery, but this is a great way to save a few pounds (and you can always sell them on when you've finished with them).

Keep one eye on the bank balance
Having a student loan, an overdraft and – if you're very lucky – a grant can be overwhelming for someone used to having £12.87 in the bank. Remember, though, that there's no such thing as free money. I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but a little bit of money management can save you a lot of headaches. Work out how much you'll be getting in, and when; take away any major costs (ie: rent and the cost of any travel), then divide the money left into a weekly budget. Even if you're slightly over every week, keeping tabs on your finances is a very handy skill to possess. Don't be afriad to splurge now and again: you'll find that for every "big week" (birthdays, Christmas, end of term) there'll be a quiet week where you hardly spend anything at all.

Wreck your student discount card
One of the biggest things you'll miss when you leave uni is the ability to take 10% off your bills at the tills. Most places on the High Street offer student discount – and you should always ask, even if there's not a big poster on display. It's a great way to save on clothes, games, music, electronics and even groceries: Somerfield offer 5% off your shopping if you're quick enough to grab one of their student cards. Also look out for pub and restaurant loyalty cards: these will probably end up being used more than you're prepared to admit to...

Enjoy life
People say that your school days are the best of your life, so treat your time at university as an extention of school. There'll still be teachers' pets, bullies, cool kids and homework, but the hours are far better, you'll never get detention, and you'll never have to tuck your shirt in. Don't take things too seriously, and as long as you do a bit of work now and then, you'll be fine.

Globalisation

2008-09-20T14:10:00.000+01:00

For my entire childhood, all of our family holidays were taken in England (with the exception of one weekend at Disneyland, Paris). As a result, one of the most closely-followed traditions of the trip away involved tuning in to all the local radio stations we could pick up on the long drive down to the South coast, across to the Westcountry, or up to East Anglia.

One thing you notice by doing this is how remarkably similar some stations sound. Often, you'd hear the same jingles, slogans – even DJs – from stations in close geographical proximity. Of course, this was because they were owned and operated by the same people, but this was far less noticeable in the days before digital radio and the internet made it easy to spot identical logos and designs on stations from outside your region.

The radio industry has recently gone through a period of massive consolidation. Where once there were a dozen major players, now there are just a handful of super-groups that control the majority of local stations. Inevitably, this means more and more content is being shared across stations, turning local services into relays for nationwide programming. It also means the loss of some fantastic local brands.

Kent's Invicta FM will become one of those casualties, as will holiday-favourites Gemini and Power FM; next-door neighbour's Essex FM is also facing the chop. Most of these will become Heart satellites (Power's going to become Galaxy, and the excellent Choice FM will also become an affiliated station). It'll be a great shame to lose these iconic brands, but to be honest there won't be a massive change to what you hear on-air. Which in itself is quite sad.

In fact, scratch that

2008-09-17T22:10:00.001+01:00

In my last blog posting, I defended the BBC and the Licence Fee. I said that paying for programmes I never watch was a necessary sacrifice in order to protect the Beeb as a whole.

Having been subjected to over an hour of BBC One's daytime schedule – I had no choice in the matter, sat in the waiting room at the dentists, less than 5 feet away from a massive flat screen TV – I am seriously reconsidering.

I had to watch a programme called Open House, which was billed as a programme about how sellers are dealing with the slow-down in the housing market. This was a lie, because we actually followed one extremely well-to-do old dear who was having a little bit of trouble shifting her £625,000 marina-side, 5-bedroom house. Sorry to spoil it for you, but it was because the house was crammed full of old lady furniture and knick-knacks.

This was followed by a programme called Car Booty, where someone rummages through their house, collecting together enough pieces of old tat to sell at a boot sale to raise X-hundred pounds. In this case, a woman trying to raise £600 to send her mum and dad on a "really nice day out". The search turned up a bronze sculpture worth £800, and a collection of Star Wars figures worth £700. But rather than just selling these and have done with it, we had to watch as they peddled two trestle-tables' worth of thimbles, glasses and trinket boxes to raise £100 at a boot sale.

I detest this sort of television: not because it's bad, or very cheaply-produced (Open House even had a "break" half-way through, presumably in expectation of selling the show to UKTV at some stage), or even because it's not really my sort of thing. I detest it because it's pointless. Those people didn't represent the masses, they didn't need any help, and they certainly didn't warrant putting on national television (even at 11 o'clock in the morning).

I want a little bit of my TV Licence back.

Telly Addicts

2008-09-14T18:40:00.001+01:00

So, Noel Edmonds has declared he hasn't renewed his TV Licence. I'm not entirely sure what his reasons are – he claims that it's in protest against the rather heavy-handed way that the BBC pursue evaders and enforce the law – but it's a very strange move. It coincides with a review into the licence fee collection process, but I think Edmonds is stirring up controversy rather than adding his two-pennies' worth to the debate.

I'm a great believer in the licence fee, because I think the BBC is worth protecting. Britain is pretty unique in having a "state broadcaster" that is funded through the government, by the taxpayers, but remains independent (by and large). The standard of it's output on television, radio and the web, not to mention the cultural impact it has on the nation, is second to none.

Protecting freedom of speech means sometimes we have to listen to things we don't want to hear; protecting the BBC means paying for services we'll never use. I've listened to the sum total of about 30 minutes of Radio 3, and even less of Radio 4; on the other hand, 6 Music and 5 Live both occupy spaces on my digital radio's "favourites" menu. I'll probably never watch BBC Alba, but frequently use BBC News and BBCi.

That said, it's getting increasingly expensive, and the system is far from perfect. In my house last year, the cost was split between five people: paying less than £30 a year for a year's "subscription" to the BBC is unbelievably good value (compared to the £10 a month we were also paying for Setanta Sports). This year, the total cost is split between two: £70 each is a little bit pricey. Paying for it is pretty hard, too. Although it works out at £11 a month, you can't actually pay for it that way. Your only options are to pay upfront, pay quarterly – and be charged an admin fee for the privilege – or pay monthly, but paying double for the first six months. In other words, even if you can scrape together £11 a month, you still can't afford a licence. It's little wonder people don't pay it... and they don't even have a new TV show to promote.

Friendly advice

2008-09-07T13:10:00.000+01:00

I've been meaning to post this for quite a while, but never got round to it. It's a sign displayed in one of the backrooms of the Co-operative supermarket in Crookes, put up by the Union.

And this is what some wag with a pen (sadly, I can't claim any credit for it) has done to it...

Incompetence

2008-09-01T12:37:00.004+01:00

I'm back in Dartford for a few days, and it's been pretty good 'holiday' so far. On Friday night, my dad and his mates had a joint 50th birthday party over at Princes Park, then on Saturday night it was time for a traditional night out in town with the lads.

I needed a drink or two having witnessed one of the worst refereeing performances known to man earlier that day. Dartford's home game against Wealdstone (my first of the season) must have been an absolutely fantastic spectacle for the neutral, but it was pretty hellish for the Darts' fans.

We suffered a sending-off after about five minutes, and for the rest of the game it was really ten-against-twelve. I've never seen more wrong decisions made in the course of one game. Goal-kicks instead of corners, fouls given the wrong way, bookings for diving (after blatant illegal challenges), two decent penalties turned down, bad offside flags from the linesmen... in the heat, and in a breathtakingly fast-paced game, it was a fantastic effort from Dartford to come away with a 2-2 draw.

Credit must also go to the fans: "the choir" put in one of their best performances and spurred-on the lads from start to finish. We had an unusually low crowd (under 1,000) but you wouldn't have known from the noise.

Why I didn't watch the Olympics

2008-08-26T10:37:00.003+01:00

I have a confession to make. I don't give a monkey's about the Olympic games.

To be honest, I find it incredibly boring. Despite having half-a-dozen events to watch at any time of the day, none of them caught my attention. With only a couple of exceptions, namely the sprinting finals and the swimming (ie: proper races), somehow the Olympics made even exciting-sounding sports pretty turgid.

Take shooting for example. now you might think that shooting would have an element of excitement to it. Top athletes, armed with guns... the mix of sporting excellence and danger must be a winning combination, right? Wrong. It's one of the dullest things I've ever seen. Six men, politely taking it in turns to fire a single pellet at a static target. Y-a-w-n.

Which is why I'm proposing a few new events. These probably won't make it in time for London 2012. Or probably ever.

Olympic Shooting... Extreme!
This essentially replaces the rather placid shooting range with a more exciting challenge. Just like in the police films, competitors will be expected to shoot at a number of moving targets. Points will be lost for any shots fired at the pictures of old ladies or mums-with-pushchairs. Dramatic gun-totting forward rolls optional, but score highly. Three medal categories: handgun, double-barrelled shotgun and uzi class.

Olympic Dressage... Extreme!
Three of the athletes banned for doping offences from this year's games were horses. It comes to something when even the gee-gees start scoring drugs because their events are so dreary. So, to liven things up, why not make a few changes. Replace the show ground with a shallow pool full of custard and you've got Dressage meets Speed. Better quicken up that canter, Champion...

Olympic Whac-A-Mole
What more needs to be said?

3 points, 2 towers, 1 unforgettable decade

2008-08-25T20:30:00.000+01:00

Dartford's first three games of the new season didn't go particularly well: the 4-0 defeat on the opening weekend was swiftly followed by two games on the wrong side of a 2-0 scoreline. Only Tooting & Mitcham's 7-0 drubbing at the hands of Ashford Town kept us off the bottom of the league on Saturday night. Today's result – beating Harlow 2-1 – has put an end to our losing streak, and fired us up to sixteenth. An infinitely more comfortable place to be sitting.

▫ Sheffield's iconic Tinsley Towers were blown up in the early hours of Sunday morning, although not entirely successfully as the stubborn North tower did its best to remain standing. Not being a local lad, I can't claim any fond memories of them, but they sure were impressive. It strikes me as odd that such iconic buildings can be demolished so unceremoniously in one part of the country, whilst down in Ebbsfleet they're spending millions on building new ones.

▫ It's difficult to "waste" a bank holiday weekend when you don't actually have any proper work on either side (although that's all set to change in three weeks time when I start my new job), but I've spent much of lolling around listening to music or watching telly. We did all go out last night to Babylon, the new bar that opened recently in town. In the vein of Flares (the 70s bar) and Reflex (the 80s bar), it's all about the 1990s – which meant Gladiators montages, dancing the Macarena, and reminiscing about Saturday morning TV. I loved it.

P Off, not B Off. Whoever heard of a Bost office?

2008-08-23T12:40:00.000+01:00

The reason I stopped banking with the NatWest is because I was fed up of queuing. There was never a "good time" to go to the branch in Dartford to avoid the queue, because whether there were four customers or forty, they never had enough staff to serve them. So I took my business elsewhere; I switched to a (rival) internet bank.

Unfortunately, there's no such thing as a "rival" Post Office. Nor is there any way of weighing and sending parcels via broadband. Which is why there was a twenty-five minute queue at the Post Office down the road from me yesterday: people were literally queuing outside the door (and it's quite a long shop). If they're constantly so busy, why is the government shutting half of them down?

The main reason is, of course, money. There may well be a lot of custom, but if they're only spending a pound on stamps each, there's not much money going in the till. To generate revenue, postmasters are forced to sell things like insurance, phone plans and advertising space on flashy display screens. To save cash, they cut down on staff.

And this is the problem: fewer staff means bigger queues, and bigger queues means less people bother with non-essential Post Office visits (by which I mean things like paying your car tax, or picking up passport application forms). In the past, these at least got people through the door, even if they didn't spend very much. The government cite our increasing tendency to do these things over the phone or online as justification for closing branches. It's a vicious circle.

Everyone will suffer from a cut-down Post Office. Fewer branches will just have the same effect as having fewer staff. That's not good for anyone.

Closing Windows

2008-08-21T14:18:00.007+01:00

After some faffing about with new hard drives and broken CDs, I finally got Ubuntu working on my laptop this week. I wanted to find out two things. One: could I replace my existing set-up (Windows, Office, Photoshop, etc.) with an entirely free equivalent, without compromising functionality? Two: would it be simple enough for my mum and dad to use it?

The answer to both questions turns out to be "yes", but with quite important caveats.

Installation was an absolute breeze: in less than an hour, I'd swapped over the hard drives, installed the new operating system, copied my old files across and was ripping CDs. The interface is close enough to Windows that the learning-curve is virtually non-existent, and any noticeable differences were often very positive changes. Finding files and changing settings is a far simpler process – not that many things need to be changed, thanks to the simple but comprehensive installer program.

I very rarely use Office documents like spreadsheets and Word documents, so OpenOffice will probably be one of the least-used set of applications. That said, they are a very impressive replacement for the Microsoft equivalent, and had no problems opening and converting the few documents I do have. I could even open, view and edit a PowerPoint presentation that XP and PowerPoint Viewer rejected because it was created with an "old" version. OpenOffice costs nothing; Microsoft Office currently sells for £360. Unbelievable.

The latest version of Photoshop Elements retails for around £70, and benefits from the funding generated by it's big sister, Photoshop 'proper' (which costs considerably more). With this in mind, I was expecting "Gimp" (the free equivalent), to be a bit lame. In fact, it's a more than adequate replacement. It had no problem opening my Photoshop files, and while it took a little bit of time to work out how to use it, the same could be said for any advanced image editor. I'm not too keen on the floatly, detached interface, but I'm sure it's just a case of getting used to it.

So far, so good. But for it to be of any use, I need to have my laptop connected to the internet. This is where Ubuntu came unstuck, but not through any fault of its own. Our set-up at home is notoriously complicated. At present, my laptop is connected to an Orange mobile broadband dongle; the internet connection is shared with the other computers in the house via a point-to-point wireless network. Even when everyone was using Windows XP, this was a nightmare to set up. Correct operation relies on a delicate balance of IP addresses, MTU values, gateways, and patience.

Because hardly anyone considers Linux when making software, this set-up wouldn't work with my laptop running Ubuntu: the Orange modem just wouldn't be recognised. So, I tried reversing the network set-up, by turning another laptop into the "master" for mine to connect to. Unfortunately, despite many a web search, IP address change and "Arrrgh!" of frustration, I couldn't get online. The best I could do was access Google websites and nothing more. Clearly, this wouldn't be sufficient.

The solution would be to connect to a "regular" WiFi connection – a proper one with a router and everything – but there's a surprising and woeful absence of free WiFi hotspots in Sheffield city centre. A few cafes and bars offer it, but they're either too expensive for me to have a drink in (let alone a meal) or were rammed full of screaming kids and their parents (it must be the summer holidays). There isn't even one at the Library.

Which means that, sadly, I'm back using Windows again. At least until I can get to somewhere with proper (and hopefully, unlimited) internet access. Ubuntu is great, but it needs the internet before it can access the internet. Which could be a problem.

Bad results, errors and insults

2008-08-17T14:20:00.003+01:00

It's not the Soccer Saturday début we would have liked, but no-one ever said that life in the Premier Division would be easy. Dartford lost 3-0 yesterday and had a man sent-off, so it wasn't a good day all round. That said, our season-winning campaign didn't get off to a terrific start last year... and we're only three points off the top!

▫ I was slightly taken aback on Friday when I was randomly insulted by a postman. He rang the intercom, and, totally out of the blue, told me that I had a small package. Fortunately, I remembered in the nick of time that he was just delivering a parcel.

▫ That parcel was a brand-new hard drive for my laptop, which I'm planning on converting to running Ubuntu rather than Windows. Not because I don't like XP (because I think it's great) but because I'm interested to see just how practical running Linux can be. I'm hopeful that the answer will be "quite", especially as an increasing number of things can be done online. Unfortunately, I'd ordered the wrong type (Serial- instead of Ultra- ATA) so that particular experiment has been delayed for a while.

The Inane Drivel Guide to Dartford

2008-08-16T11:30:00.005+01:00

Dartford kick off their first season in the Ryman Premier Division today, away at Hendon (Brent Cross, London). As I've mentioned previously, the step up to the Premier league means that the bookmakers now cast a keen eye over our games. The best offer on Dartford – 10/1 to win the league outright – coming away from the game victorious is about 3/2. That's probably a fair assessment, since this will be our first competitive game at this level.

The Hendon forum has thrown up this handy guide to Dartford – both the club and the town. It's funny because it's (mostly) true...

OO ARE YA?
It’s a shocking revelation, but Dartford was a relatively civilised town with middle-class enclaves until fairly recently. Bastions of middle-class non-conformity Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are both from Dartford and Herr Thatchler herself once stood as a parliamentary candidate in the constituency. Speaking of The Beloved Leader, Herr Thatchler’s financial empowerment of the upper echelons of the Inner City White Trash Community allowed that particular bunch to escape Inner London and drag their ignorant carcasses to unfortunate places like Dartford... with depressingly predictable results.

Nowadays, Dartford’s... Ahem!... ever so slightly less refined. Indeed, many inhabitants of the Clitterhouse Estate would feel at home in Dartford. If throwing the WKD bottle makes the 2012 Olympics, talent scouts will be scouring Dartford for potential medallists. Ing-Ger-Lund’s national sport should definitely be in for 2012 and it’s fitting that the town’s football team is called The Darts. The svelte figure of local publican Andy “The Viking” Fordham, until recently landlord at The Rose, is the physique most locals – women especially – aspire to. The two people I know who live in Dartford are a fat hairy motorcyclist and a tattoo artist. The fact that the town’s most famous footballing son is Malcolm Allison suggests that villainy was never too far beneath the veneer.

THE CLUB
Dartford were one of England’s leading Non-League clubs in the 1930s. Not much in the trophy cabinet for a few decades until resurfacing with a couple of Southern League titles in 1974 and 1984. Promotion to the Conference saw them get a bit overambitious. Financial difficulties and exile followed. The return to the town and the building of the award-winning, ultra-green, environmentally-friendly, 4,000+ capacity Princes Park (built by a sympathetic and co-operative local council) has boosted the club enormously... though only in a town twinned with Saaf Essix could an environmentally-friendly stadium be built with 300 parking spaces for cars.

A picture < 1,001 words

2008-08-14T10:07:00.000+01:00

Twitter: I think it's a great way to connect. I have it talking to Facebook, my blog and desktop. The search function is simply fascinating.

140 characters means you have to be succinct. Like when writing 6-word stories, or 25-word music reviews, or creating cool-looking QR-Codes!

But there's a price to pay – or, rather, there isn't. Being free means the more popular Twitter becomes, the less they can afford to run it.

A fake, a faux-pas, and afloat

2008-08-13T16:07:00.002+01:00

There's bit a few ripples of controversy this week over some aspects of the spectacular Olympic opening ceremony in Beijing. It turns out that the fireworks sequence we watched on TV was computer-generated, and that the pretty girl singing was actually miming.

I have to admit to being quite surprised by the reaction. I thought that, even to the untrained eye, it seemed quite obvious that nine-year-old Lin Miaoke wasn't actually singing. There were two tell-tale signs: the audio quality was far too good to be "live" in the stadium, and her lips weren't moving in time to the words. Similarly, the "fireworks" sequence would have been impossible to film – helicopter pilots tend to avoid flying over rocket and missile launches. Both were very good fakes, but they were always going to be rumbled.

▫ Another news story that caught my eye this week: the tale of how a giant inflatable artwork broke loose from its moorings at a museum in Switzerland. It went on to tear down power cables, break a window, and then land in the grounds of a children's home. It's made all the more interesting by the fact that the piece was called "Complex S**t", and was shaped like a dog turd.

A little bit alarmist?

2008-08-09T13:37:00.001+01:00

Oh come on, I think we can trust the neutrality and journalistic integrity of the (Russian government-funded) news channel Russia Today, can't we?

Eh?

Eh?

Oh.

Harmony/disharmony

2008-08-08T15:40:00.000+01:00

Apologies if you haven't seen it, but the basic plot to Team America: World Police is thus: Kim Jong-Il organises a meeting of all the world's leaders under the banner of peace and unity. While they sit there distracted, he plans to unleash an unstoppable wave of terrorist attacks across the globe and take over the world.

As I type, there are two hugely significant events taking place. Various heads of state are attending the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympic Games (Sri Lanka have just walked in)... and what looks like the opening stages of war are playing out in Georgia. There are reports of "ethnic cleansing", planes being shot out of the sky, and tanks rolling into South Ossetia.

The world has spent the last few weeks and days fretting over China. Today, their attention has been abruptly turned towards the 'other' Eastern superpower, Russia. Team America ends with the heroes saving the day with seconds to spare. Hopefully, there's still plenty of time to avert this crisis.

Games

2008-08-07T23:37:00.001+01:00

We all went ten-pin bowling last night for the first time in a long time. My performance could accurately be described as woeful, only managing to rack up 84 points. Not that winning is important of course... it's the taking par... yada yada.

The Olympic Games have begun, albeit through the back door. The football competition kicked off yesterday, with some hilarious/embarrassing women's football on show. The sport's reputation was restored today with the start of the men's competition, although the standard is still a long way from being on a par with the European Championship or World Cup.

Similarly poor were two games played this evening: the Women's Community Shield at Macclesfield Town, and the "Legends" game between England and Germany at Sheffield United. I half-watched about 45 minutes of each, but there was little change in the standard. Roll on Saturday.

Waiting, games

2008-08-05T10:00:00.000+01:00

Fun things I've been doing in the last few days: chasing up our faceless-corporation landlords in the (as yet unsuccessful) pursuit of an electricity meter reading; trying to placate the electricity company; chasing up our faceless-corporation landlords in the (as yet unsuccessful) pursuit of someone to come and fix the window in my room; trying to sleep in a room with no curtains...

▫ I had a go on a Nintendo Wii for the first time last weekend, and it was brilliant. Because I've been stuck indoors for much of the last few weeks, I've been playing a few computer games, but I get bored of them very quickly: PC games especially require far too much thinking for my liking. Whereas shooting things in House of the Dead 3... that could keep me entertained for hours.

▫ Dartford FC's pre-season has been going well, with some good results and – more importantly – some great reviews for our new signings. It all kicks off a week on Saturday, when we'll be starting our first season in the Ryman Premier Division with odds of 10-1 to win the league outright! In all honesty, I think that's a little optimistic (only a little, mind) but things are looking promising for a good year ahead.

Refreshed

2008-07-29T22:17:00.002+01:00

I deliberately woke up early this morning. Partly because, well, "seize the day" and all that... and partly because the fire alarm gets tested every Tuesday morning just after eight, so there's no chance of a lie-in.

It's very loud.

Which means that, writing this at twenty-past-ten, I've had quite a long day. From my early-morning visit to the Co-op, mid-morning visit to the charity shop, refreshing Thunderbozz over lunch, and spending the afternoon updating my CV, it's also been quite productive.

The highlight has to have been walking past The Banker's Draft pub at 9am, only to find a queue of at least half-a-dozen old men, desperate to get in and start drinking the day away. To be honest, they all looked like thoroughly decent fellows, although I wouldn't fancy bumping into any of them after [counts...] thirteen hours of solid quaffing.

The low-point was probably trying to find more than one bullet point of things I had done while working at the supermarket over the summer. "Learnt how to put things on a shelf" doesn't really strike the right chord with any potential employer, I fear...

Hardcore pawn

2008-07-28T15:59:00.004+01:00

When we moved from our old house to the new flat, we bought quite a lot of rubbish with us. Literally: we loaded about four bags full of trash into the removals van, because we'd overloaded the bins at the old place and there was nowhere else to put it.

Obviously we put it in the bins here straight away... we didn't keep it in the house or anything weird like that.

I also bought quite a lot of stuff that I knew I didn't really need any more, but that I'd left too late to offload on Amazon/eBay/friends/charity shops. For the last few weeks, it's just been taking up space in my room, but I'm finally beginning to shift it all now.

This morning I traded in some of my old and unwanted CDs and DVDs at Cex, and got rid of my remaining textbooks at Division Street's famous Rare & Racy bookshop. (I didn't get very much cash for them, but to be honest, I'm just glad to see the back of the damn things).

Tomorrow, the rest of the stuff is going to be Freecycled or given to the charity shop. Now all I have to do is wait for the landlord to send round someone to fix my curtains (currently in a heap below the window) and I'll be able to see the floor!

Hip to be a Square

2008-07-26T12:45:00.001+01:00

I went for a drink down at Sheffield's Leopold Square last night – and sadly, when I say a drink, I mean only one. And that had to be bought for me. A combination of my as-yet fruitless job search, graduation on Wednesday and a healthy student overdraft means that I'm pretty much skint at the moment.

Leopold Square is not a place for the cash-strapped. It's full of ~~posh~~ expensive bars and restaurants, precisely the sort you'd find in the upmarket streets of Bluewater. It looks great, and it was nice to hear some live music, but it definitely ain't my scene.

Graduation

2008-07-25T13:37:00.000+01:00

Well, that's it then. I'm now officially a graduate of the University of Sheffield.

Graduation itself took place on Wednesday, but mum and dad came up to visit on Tuesday because they were driving up from home. If all goes to plan – by which I mean finding a job up here in Sheffield – then I won't be going home as much this year, so it was really nice to see them. We had a quick tour of the town and my new flat during the day, then enjoyed a meal out in Broomhill at Buon Deli, a fantastic little Italian restaurant, in the evening.

I must confess to being quite nervous on Wednesday morning, but then that always happens before things like this. My main fear is falling over and looking like a right goon in front of everyone. This fear was increased by the acquisition of an extremely ill-fitting (too small) mortarboard hat about half an hour before the ceremony started: I was now also worried about the blasted thing falling off, which effectively barred me from moving my head more than a few degrees in any direction.

Once all that was over, the next ordeal was the inevitable photography session. I hate having my photo taken, especially when I'm wearing a silly hat and a cape, so it wasn't a present experience for me or the photographer (my mum). I couldn't get out of the garb quick enough, and was quite glad to hear they all had to be in within the next ten minutes...

So, armed with my certificate and commemorative mug, the University has booted us out into the real world. Our e-mail accounts stop working tomorrow, our NUS cards expired weeks ago, and I'm now a member of the Alumni (although not officially, they're not getting any cash out of me just yet). Cripes.

BA = Blagger of Arts

2008-07-18T13:20:00.003+01:00

From xkcd:

Who does Gareth Barry think he is?

2008-07-16T13:56:00.002+01:00

I mean, where does he get off?

Let me just make clear that I have nothing against Gareth Barry personally. It's just that it really infuriates me how he has employers fighting over him – actually in a bidding war to pay for him to work for them – while I'm sat at home all day long, sending e-mail after e-mail to dozens of businesses, pleading with them to give me a job. It's so unfair*.

* Of course it's not, he's far better at football than I am.

What does it all mean?

2008-07-13T08:10:00.000+01:00

A good few weeks ago, I fell asleep while listening to Test Match Special. Earlier that day, I had been playing Grand Theft Auto IV. The resulting dream was a very strange, slightly disturbing hybrid of the two: I had to run around a flooded cricket ground doing drug runs for Jonathan Agnew.

A few days ago, I dreamt that we went to visit one of my old course-mates at his flat in Newcastle. When we got there, the flat turned out to be on the middle floor of a ridiculously tall futuristic skyscraper. The lift lobby on his floor was so big that it had it's own cinema, where we all sat down and watched DVDs (despite the fact there were loads of people milling around) before climbing a ladder to get into his lounge.

Then last night, after a day spent playing Age of Empires II and talking about Traffic Cops (the television series), my dream involved travelling around a badly-rendered 2D version of Sheffield, building a hotel (I think), and then getting busted by the cops. I got off the charge – whatever it was – because of a mix-up over phone numbers...

▫ On an entirely separate note, I went to Nando's for the first time yesterday. The food was really nice, the atmosphere was good, and it wasn't too expensive, either. Recommended.

Return to sender

2008-07-11T12:00:00.004+01:00

It's coming up to that time of the year when I have to renew my e-mail account subscription. I know this because Another.com have been bombarding me with e-mails for the last two weeks, reminding me.

In the world of Hotmail, GMail and various other free services, it may seem archaic to still be paying for an e-mail account – indeed, I even have access to my own mail server because I own my own domain (where I keep all the images and files for Thunderbozz). Unfortunately, I have registered my e-mail address with so many websites and services over the years that it would take far to long to update them all before my account expires in four days time.

Despite quite a good spam filter, once in a while, junk e-mails manage to make their way into my inbox. Usually I just delete them straight away, but the one pictured above caught my eye. The whole point of spam is to encourage you to reply, right? In that case, why not put some effort into making your message believable?

From: zsrudna@telecom.cz
Reply-To: vivianwalter_10@yahoo.com.hk

Before the message has even started, there's a problem. The e-mail is being sent from an address the Czech Republic, yet the return address is for a domain in Hong Kong...

Dear Beloved ,

I am Mrs.Vivian Walter,the wife of Mr.Edwards Walter,I am a citizens of the United states.My husband worked with the Chevron/Texaco in Russia before he died in the year 2004.my husband deposited the sum of (7.5 Million Pounds) with a Bank.

...while the sender claims to be from the United States, with a husband who worked in Russia, despite the fact he had 7½ million British pounds at his disposal. Unless, as the brackets suggest, it was minus 7½ million pounds. No wonder someone tried to kill him.

the management just wrote me as the beneficiary that our account has been DORMANT and if I can not ACTIVATE the ACCOUNT,the funds will be CONFISCATED.I 'm in a hospital in Russia where I have treatment for cancer.Stand as beneficiary for the Funds.reach me:vivianwalter_10@yahoo.com.hk

Now it turns out that "Vivian" is in Russia too, suffering from cancer. What an unlucky lady. She can't even get to a phone to explain her situation to the mysterious "management" who are threatening to "CONFISCATE" the money. What legal power they have over the cash is anyone's guess. Likewise, how Vivian is able to e-mail me, a 21-year-old living in Sheffield she's never met, but not get in touch with a bank that owes her millions.

Remain bless.

Mrs.Vivian Walter.

"Remain bless" doesn't even make sense!!

Architecture in Sheffield

2008-07-09T18:10:00.001+01:00

I've recently found myself reading the forums of Skyscraper City, a website dedicated to architecture, new buildings and construction projects across the world. Specifically, the Sheffield forums, because change is a-coming: cranes litter the skyline, and wherever you turn, there's a building site.

As part of the council's "Masterplan" for the city centre, Sheffield will undergo a massive transformation over the next few years. The process has already begun – in the three years I've been living here, there have been significant changes already. But these have only been relatively small projects, like the renovation of the train station, or the construction of the Information Commons. The next phase of the plan is a complete overhaul of the city, redeveloping the riverside, moving the markets, re-routing the roads and creating brand new communities.

This is excellent news for architecture enthusiasts, because a city-wide construction project, on a scale never seen before, is about to begin in earnest. At least thirty separate developments, all within a ten-minute walk of the middle of town (and, therefore, also about ten minutes away from our house) including hotels, restaurants, bars, housing, offices, gardens and parks are planned. Which is pretty exciting, to be honest.

The bright future

2008-07-06T12:40:00.001+01:00

One of the pitfalls of moving into a new flat – or even one which has only been empty for a couple of months – is that you'll probably find that BT have disconnected the phone line. This turned out to be the case for us. Understandably, being faced with a £125 re-connection fee, the prospect of paying £11-a-month line rental, an extra £15 or so for broadband and then a little bit extra for the privilege of making a few phone calls didn't really appeal.

I hardly ever use the phone for actually making calls (the only time I ever use it is to speak to my family at home), but having internet access has become a necessity these days. With this in mind, I thought I'd investigate some of the mobile broadband packages all the phone companies seem to be offering at the moment.

In the end, I went with Orange. For £15/month, you get connection speeds of "up to" 7.2Mbps – as good as, if not better than, you can get on a landline – and a 3Gb monthly limit. Again, the same as many home broadband packages. 3 and Vodafone both offer a similar deal, but I've never had any experience of 3, and Vodafone couldn't offer the top-speed service in our area just yet. Being an Orange customer already meant that I knew the signal was strong in our gaff, and that their customer service is pretty decent. Setting it up was easy: despite being warned it could take hours to activate my account, I was online within ten minutes of getting home.

So, I now have truly wireless broadband on my laptop. Thanks to a lot of messing about, I've also managed to get my computer working as a wireless access point, so the connection can be shared around the flat, too.

Let this be a warning to you, BT: this technology will only get cheaper and faster in the future... the landline's days are numbered.

Kung Fu Panda

2008-07-05T16:31:00.004+01:00

As a special treat, we all went off to the Odeon last night (it's literally over the road from our new flat) to watch Dreamwork's latest animated movie, Kung Fu Panda.

(There's a bit of a back-story to all this. Originally, the girls were going to watch Sex And The City while we went off to the pub. But then I found out that Kung Fu... came out yesterday, and it turns out that the girly film was no longer showing, so a happy compromise was made.)

The film is brilliant. A fantastic combination of visually-stunning films like Hero and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, martial arts games like Tekken, the special effects of The Matrix, and the wonderful humour of Dreamwork's previous creations (Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Shrek...), the film enthrals for a very entertaining 90 minutes. The fight scenes are breath-taking, as are the incredible panoramas of the Chinese countryside. The kung-fu itself will have you gasping (at the incredible physical prowess of its subjects) and laughing (at the slap-stick) in equal measure.

It's not perfect. The story isn't totally original, the casting is a little too celebrity-dominated (you couldn't accuse any of them for being "authentic") and some characters remain woefully under-developed (although this just paves the way for a sequel). But do still go and see it: it's fun.

Real world

2008-07-04T17:00:00.002+01:00

On Tuesday, it was the first of July – and that meant moving out of our student house in Broomhill, and leaving behind student life forever. I'm writing this now in my new bedroom, in our city centre flat, from my new desk and over our new mobile-broadband-enabled computer network (which only took 3½ hours to set up... more on which later).

Moving day went quite smoothly, really. After an early morning trip to the estate agents to collect the keys, we had to move all our possessions downstairs and into the front room, ready for collection. It's quite surprising just how much stuff you can collect over the course of a year. I'd never have been able to carry it all home on the train, even if I'd made half-a-dozen trips, but luckily we had a cheery van driver from Dudley to help cart it all to the new place.

On arrival, however, there was a slight snag. OK, quite a big one. The front door keys didn't work. We were told that the same key would let us into the main building and into our flat. But after a quick check with a visiting locksmith (who let us in, ironically) revealed that the required keys looked very different to the ones we had been given.

Propping the door open with a shoe, I had to hobble back to the van to find a more suitable doorstop to avoid being locked out of our own building, and then unloaded all our stuff into the lobby. Meanwhile, frantic phone calls were being made to the landlords and estate agents... otherwise, one of us would have to be permanently stationed in the flat!

After an initial scare – one of the building's other residents telling us how he had waited two-and-a-half months for a spare key – an apologetic estate agent soon turned up with a new set of keys to save the day.

Having been here for a few days, the place is pretty much in order now. All the rooms have been cleaned, we've been to the shops and bought in most of the fixtures and fittings we need. The computer's been set up, the clocks set, the Freeview boxes tuned... and I'm really pleased with the way it's looking. Now all I have to do is find some way of paying for the place...

Where I am at

2008-06-23T13:53:00.002+01:00

Usually when I haven't posted anything in a long time, it's because I've got fed up of writing. This time round, it's because I've been ridiculously busy. In the past ten days, I've got a fair bit done – too much to do justice to here, which is frustrating – and there's still quite a lot to do.

▫ I was back in Dartford for a few days from Tuesday, despite the fact we still haven't sorted out a house for "next year". (I still refer to it as "next year", despite the fact that academic years are no longer relevant to me... and to mask the fact that the "new year" actually starts next week). This was to meet Blighty-dodging Croasdell, who's been exploring South America for the best part of a year. It was really good to be back in the Paper Moon to share a few drinks with everyone again... and quite strange to think that half of them will still at uni.

▫ It never ceases to amaze me how many people find it impossible to locate their seat on a train. There's no secret to the way the seats are arranged: there's no puzzle; the numbers start at one end of the carriage, and go all the way up to the other. Yet an alarming number of people wander up and down in search of their seat and still manage to get it wrong. How do these people ever find their way home? Do they walk up and down their street every day before trying to get in to their neighbour's house with their keys?

▫ I watched Numb3rs for the first time yesterday (after a four-hour House, MD marathon on Five US). If I've worked out the premise correctly, it's essentially a mathematical version of Diagnosis Murder, in that the policeman charged with solving the case always obtains a crucial piece of evidence/deduction from one of his (non-Police) relatives. In this case, the cop's good-with-numbers brother. Unfortunately, there was a fatal flaw with the plot in yesterday's episode. Not only was the maths completely irrelevant to the case (in order to facilitate some awkward product placement), but it also failed to solve the case. Which adds further weight to the argument that you really don't need maths after you leave school.

▫ My favourite song at the moment has to be Death Cab For Cutie's I Will Possess Your Heart, but this is being challenged by Mint Royale's Singing In The Rain, which I'm told is popular again after someone on the X-Factor used it in one of their acts. I've also finally got my hands on Captain's album (which is excellent) and the new one from Elbow (which is sublime).

Finished

2008-06-13T14:00:00.000+01:00

So, that's it then. After three years, six semesters, eighteen modules, four exams, thirty-six essays, three presentations, hundreds of lectures, dozens of seminars, one theatre trip and one, solitary visit to the library, my time at university has come to an end.

Our final exam was on Tuesday, and while it didn't go fantastically well, in truth that's not really important. What matters is that I've completed my course, and I can look back at the work I've done with pride.

Regrets? I've had a few, but I've learnt something from every single one of them, and in many ways that's quite satisfying. If I had my time again, would I choose to do English Literature? Probably not, but that certainly doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed my time here. I've met some wonderful people, had some really great times, and I've learnt to stand on my own two feet.

There's more challenges ahead, and things are moving fast now. One of my housemates moved out this morning, and by the end of the month I'll have to be gone, too. It's been great having a few days to relax and enjoy what remains of student life. The big wide world awaits, though...

The Apprentice: That's what I'm talking about

2008-06-12T13:37:00.000+01:00

There was one advantage to being internet-less this week. It meant that I couldn't accidentally find out who had won this year's cracking series of The Apprentice before watching it. Not on iPlayer, but on an old-school VHS cassette, I should add (life's such fun in the 1990s house).

The grand finalé was a fantastic end to the series. The candidates had so much to do in the three days they were given, and the focus (for us and Sir Alan) was on how the candidates would perform at actually doing business. The task ahead of them looked terrifying: invent a product, create it, design it, market it, test it, launch it... and all without any previous experience of working in the industry. If there was ever a task that would separate the men from the boys, this was it.

The return of some of the losing candidates also meant there was plenty of opportunities for squabbling, arguing, time-wasting, eye-rolling and head-shaking. Bringing them all back together for The Apprentice... You're Fired! nearly resulted in a fight when Lucinda and Helene had a barney. But the spotlight was always on Alex, Lee, Helene and Claire.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Sir Alan would never have hired pretty-boy Alex and "ballsy" (which is not an adjective I like using, but it seems to fit) Helene. The interviewers last week probably put him off the former, and the latter would never have suited the Amstrad culture. Corporate it is not. Hence lumping them together in the same team, enabling him to kill two birds with one stone when it came to the boardroom.

Which left Claire and Lee. After passing up the opportunity to hire the Badger, and after her valiant boardroom battles, I think everyone assumed that Claire was the favourite, but something obviously changed his mind. The Guardian's "Women" section attributes this to Sir Alan's misogyny, but that's just feminist twaddle. The truth is, Lee had been consistently strong, consistently good, consistently victorious... and a thoroughly nice bloke. That's what I'm talking about.

Highlights of the week:
▫ Kevin's idiotic suggestion to put perfume in a stress ball
▫ "...and now he wants to smell like a man"
▫ Lee's fantastic direction of their ad's blonde model

Disconnected

2008-06-08T13:15:00.000+01:00

For some reason, BT thought that we'd be moving out of our current house on Friday and, as such, would no longer require the services of their broadband. This, despite the fact they are still supplying (and charging us for the use of) a phone line. And despite the fact that we've never told or even mentioned "June 6th" to them, ever. Which can only lead to one conclusion: that they're a bunch of incompetent idiots.

It's really annoying not having access to the internet. They have provided us with some free dial-up in the meantime – we're being re-connected next Friday, before being (correctly) cut-off at the end of the month – but having to live like citizens of the 1990s is not fun. For one thing, it's slow; for another, it ties-up the phone line; for another, we can only use it in the living room or one bedroom, because they are the only places in the house within cable's-length of a phone socket. As such, we're all having to go without... or go to the University computer rooms (where I'm writing this from).

So, for a whole week, we're going without broadband. No Facebook, no iPlayer, no 4oD, no looking up things for my up-coming exam, no MSN chats, no Skype calling, no e-mail, no newsreading, no more Thunderbozz, no nothing. See you in a week.

The Apprentice: "Too zany for me"

2008-06-05T13:27:00.003+01:00

Well, I suppose it was inevitable, but it's still disappointing: this week's Apprentice was the last for the wonderful Lucinda. Having battled valiantly throughout the series against difficult tasks, new challenges and spiteful words, Cindy proved herself to be an extremely strong candidate. Unfortunately, she's applied for the wrong job.

Ordinarily, I would despise someone like her: she earns £100,000 a year yet claims not be driven by money; despite this wealth, she hadn't had a television set for the last five years; some of her qualifications are in herbal medicine. Ordinarily, I'd call her a rich, eccentric loon. But it proved impossible not to take a shine to her over the last eleven weeks.

Daring to stand out and be different – whether in attitude or expressed through an extraordinary array of Technicolour dresses – is a brave and admirable decision, but Sir Alan doesn't tolerate style over substance. Her performances in the challenges were also exemplary, winning eight out of ten tasks, two as project manager. Ultimately though, Lucinda would not have enjoyed working for Sir Alan, and I very much doubt he would have enjoyed employing her.

As predicted, "interview week" revealed some fascinating (and embarrassing) traits about the remaining candidates. Lee "That's what I'm talking about" McQueen is embarrassed about his formal education, and tried to 'improve' his record with some little white lies. If only he'd concentrated on improving his spelling. Alex Wotherspoon, 24, is so defensive about everything that it wouldn't surprise me if he was actually on an espionage mission. Claire Young has a worrying attraction to (wealthy) old men. Helene 'Breezeblock' Speight didn't really have any skeletons in the closet... and would be the dark horse of this competition if it were based on this week alone.

Highlights of the week:
▫ "It's like my ass is actually on the floor at the moment. I'm absolutely shitting myself" Literally.
▫ "You can all stay" – undoubtedly the right decision
▫ Luce on the beret-wearers' club: "I don't know who they are"

Frustration

2008-06-02T12:33:00.001+01:00

Arrgh, this last week has been so frustrating. There's been so many things which I've been unable to do because I'm waiting on someone else, or because I've forgotten to do something myself, or because things have conspired against me... Fingers crossed that the next few days won't be as infuriating.

The Apprentice: Heavier than a Batmobile

2008-05-29T15:50:00.001+01:00

I watched this week's Apprentice at half-past-three on Wednesday morning, having been staring at a computer screen for about a day. As a result, my memory of precisely what happened are slightly cloudy. The Guardian's excellent "live blog" has handily filled in the gaps.

Our six would-be apprentices were given the task of selling wealthy punters the chance to spend some time with some fantastic supercars. Apparently, this is a rapidly growing new business venture, although quite why struck me as a tad confusing. Surely the whole point of those things is to drive them – fast? Unless you own your own racetrack, there's not much opportunity to do that on the UK's roads... It soon became clear, though, that the target audience was disgustingly rich grade-A posers.

Depending on your point of view, poor/useless Lucinda was unfairly/fairly treated by her team-mates this week. Having said she wouldn't feel comfortable selling on her own (because she's not a saleswoman and doesn't know anything about cars), team-leader Lee nevertheless abandoned/entrusted her to try and sell on her own. He and Alex, undoubtedly the stronger salesmen, could then try to flod the top-end, high-risk motor. The bastard/clever man. In the boardroom, she defended herself valiantly/moaned and whined, but was still on the receiving end of some classic Sir Alan put-downs... had their team not absolutely stormed the task, it could have been much worse/better.

At long last, Michael was given the boot. After some terrible more geographical blunders, and a total mis-application of local knowledge (trying to sell a Ferarri at Portobello fruit and veg market equals Syed's attempts to find a dinner jacket in Camden Market), plus weeks of ineptitude, the odious little man finally got fired. The right result, without doubt.

Next week's task has been the stumbling block for many of the series' favourites: the interviews. On past form, we can expect to hear some hilarious CVs, some self-promotion of the highest order... and probably some quite nasty things too. Hopefully I'll be able to watch it at a more hospitable hour...

Highlights of the week:
▫ This excerpt from The Guardian's live coverage: "Michael is still trying to sell, and resorting to telling men they are handsome. It's only a matter of time before he offers to fellate someone, surely. I truly believe he would, if someone would hire his car."

Imitation/flattery

2008-05-28T01:37:00.000+01:00

As a subscriber to last.fm, I get to have a sneak-peek at the music website's brand-new version, currently in development. It's got a raft of new features and a radical new look to boot. Personally, I think it looks pretty cool (although a little bit bland), but some of the other members have been levelling the following insult at the new clean, white pages: "it looks too much like Facebook".

Ironically, Facebook won't look much like Facebook soon, because it's also getting a makeover. Until you could add applications, one of the beauties of Facebook was that it was nice and simple: but now people are adding hundreds of stupid quizzes (What Cheese Are You?) and pointless features (Picture Of A Cat Of The Day!), the old style doesn't really work anymore.

The changes are being bought in gradually – we've already lost control over many of the sections on our profiles, like the ability to collapse the (often pointless) Mini Feed – but inevitably people will kick up a fuss. Especially when they realise they've taken the Wall away...

What You Tube was invented for

2008-05-27T12:50:00.003+01:00

Image © Chris Sardelis

With some time to kill (quite a few hours, as it turned out) online yesterday, I resorted to surfing You Tube. Sheffield's very own Arts Tower features in the first (excellent) film... the rest are just animals doing funny things. Enjoy, if you've got the time...

Six minutes:

Twenty seconds:

Sixteen seconds:

Five seconds:

Distractions

2008-05-26T12:35:00.006+01:00

This week has been full of distractions. Which is not helpful, because I've been trying to write my last ever English Literature essays ever. Ever.

Xbox arrives.

Still playing on Xbox. Champions League final.

Quite a bit of Xbox still. Night out at Plug.

One of my more productive days. Once I've woken up.

Eurovision Song Contest. Love Shady Lady.

I have now managed to finish one essay, but the other still needs some work. I have until midday tomorrow... hopefully it won't take that long, as I only need to find some sources to back up my points... if only the bloomin' books weren't so new, there might be some proper criticism of them...

The Apprentice: Pillock done good

2008-05-25T13:37:00.001+01:00

Quite why the producers of The Apprentice felt the need to show the teams' embarrassingly-poor efforts at television commercials over and over again is beyond me. As a result, I spent much of my time watching this week's episode with my hands over my eyes. They were awful.

In fairness, I thought Raef's team's effort was half-decent. It was quite obvious at an early stage that Sir Alan wouldn't like it, but it was nevertheless quite a good try. I had assumed the ad-execs watching would have taken a bit of a shine to it, so the first shock of the evening came when it was revealed that they had lost.

The second shock (I'm glossing over some of the terrible clothes selections by the victorious boys in Harvey Nics... and Lucinda's stunning glittery number) was when Raef (who looks like something out of a Harvey Nics catalogue) got the boot. Based on the fact that "odious little twit" (to misquote Adrian Chiles) Michael was there, you can only assume that Sir Alan had been waiting for a long time to get rid of him.

So, we're down to five...

Highlights of the week:
▫ Reaf and Michael's performing various musical numbers (in a taxi)
▫ The two kids in the losing ad: top class acting, guys
▫ Sir Alan caning Siân Lloyd

X-rated

2008-05-21T00:15:00.001+01:00

My essays were going quite well. I was progressing through them at quite a decent rate. At one stage, it looked like I might even have finished the first one by now.

And then the Xbox 360 arrived.

The Apprentice: "This is your bloody wedding!"

2008-05-15T16:00:00.007+01:00

This week's Apprentice in quotations:

Michael on geography: "Central London is near North London"
Helene on £900 dresses: "God I bet that's expensive... but it wasn't"
Sara in a cake shop: "Do you know what? I've been on a cake course!"
Lucinda: "Cakes are approx. £600-a-pop" Claire: "Is that expensive?" Lucinda: "I don't know..."
Michael trying to describe the dresses: "Imagine the dresses the women were wearing in Beauty And The Beast"

A section just for Lee:

Motivational speech: "Come on Team Alpha! COME ON!"
On pipping the other team: "We fuckin' did 'em!"
At the exhibition: "Ah, Hello ladies!"
"I'm buzzin'... I'm off to sell some more knickers"
"That wedding dress is two-and-a-half grand... and I need to nail her"

Nick, stating the bleeding obvious: "We're not in Knightsbridge, we're in Birmingham!"
Michael's softly-softly approach to selling: "This is your bloody wedding! Take a chance!" ... "People are dum-dums... they don't know what they're doing."

Calm down, Claire: "If we don't win this task, I might as well throw myself under a bus."

Claire: "Maybe I'm too Northern, I like PG Tips"

Michael: "I did push-"
Margaret: "Can I quote what you actually said?"
Michael: "Ye- Yes"
Margaret: "'Not to everyone's taste, quite niche, quite expensive'"

Margaret: "On cakes... people felt they were being bludgeoned by Michael and Sara... you'd have been scared to buy a cake"
Sir Alan: "I tell you what, I would have been one of the recipients of one of your sales pitches... I would have got hold of your head and pushed it in the bloody cake"

Michael: "I didn't want to get irritated and hysterical like I always do..."

Michael: "I don't want to sound like I'm begging but... (sigh)"
Sir Alan: "Talk about the cat with nine lives..."

Next week: Sir Alan: "I didn't send you out to make a re-make of Ben Hur"

Highlights of the week:
▫ Lee and Lucinda's new handshake (main picture)
▫ Raef: "I think we need to remember that those people in a size 16 to 32 dress are size 16 to 32 for a reason – they love cake."
▫ Sir Alan's Sara impression: "BANG! BANG! BANG! BUY MY CAKE!"

Musicology

2008-05-14T13:37:00.001+01:00

Inspired by xkcd and GraphJam, I thought I'd try to put together some graphs of my own. I know! – sad, isn't it? Anyway, these are some of my favourite songs (according to last.fm and those I can remember). The truth is that I had to stop where I did because, despite all my attempts to come across as a cool indie-ish kid, it turns out all my favourite songs are cheesy pop guff.

● The BBC News website had an unlikely news story at the top of its "most read" list last week. It was about how well one of Britain's bird species appeared to be coping well with climate change altering the availability of its key food supply. It's only when you look at the headline that you can guess why it might have sparked some intrigue. A few days later, ITV News came up with this one, but the title for best headline ever has to go to this article from silicon.com.

Conflict of interests

2008-05-13T16:07:00.004+01:00

It's my last week of university lectures and seminars, although I don't really think the fact has sunk-in yet. It's quite a strange feeling: From an academic point of view, I've been looking forward to the end of the year for weeks. But on the other hand, when I think about the social side of uni life – meeting people after lectures, the banter in seminars, the gossip, being out-and-about during the day, even the shared experience of a particularly tricky essay – I'll be really sad to say goodbye to all that.

I'm quite shy, despite what some people might think, and it takes me quite a while to open up to people. (I don't have any trouble talking to people in seminars or on my course, but it does take me a while to build up enough trust in someone to start having a laugh and a joke with them). Whenever I've been dropped in new situations like big school, sixth form, and uni, it's always taken the best part of a year to really settle in. It's doubly annoying then, that in a few weeks a) I'm going to be leaving a lot of very cool people behind and that b) I'll have to start the whole process again.

● Someone who clearly doesn't lack confidence was the guy who ran into our lecture yesterday wearing only a thong and tossing Cadbury's Roses about the room. It was, in his bizarre way, a tribute to our lecturer Neil Roberts, who will be leaving the department of English after many many years of service, and who was reading his last ever address at the time. Students, eh?

Season's end

2008-05-12T18:45:00.002+01:00

Congratulations to Manchester United for winning yet another Premier League title. You can't say that it wasn't deserved - they have a fantastic team, a fantastic squad, a fantastic manager... and a fantastic chance of winning the Champions League this year, too.

It's been a terrific season in the Premier League as a whole – and the first year I've actually been able to watch a decent number of live games thanks to Setanta. Well done to West Ham for holding on to tenth place... we've been there so long we could probably claim squatter's rights. Congratulations should also go to Gareth Southgate, Roy Keane and (our house's new favourite manager) Roy Hodgson. The man has such a distinctive voice: why is it so hard to do an impression of him?

Grudgingly, I also offer a congratulatory nod towards ~~Gravesend~~ Ebbsfleet for winning the FA Trophy at Wembley this weekend. As an extra special treat, some clown wants to build a ruddy-great horse next to their ground.

There's a fair bit of football still to come - the FA Cup next week, plus the UEFA Cup and Champions League finals, not to mention the conclusion of the Championship play-offs and (of course) Euro 2008. Whether the latter will be very exciting this year is a but of a mystery at the moment... how frustrating that it's the only European competition Britain won't be represented in this summer.

The Apprentice: Boom!

2008-05-08T10:47:00.004+01:00

This week's Apprentice was explosive. Sir Alan was rightly appalled by the lies, the deception, the back-stabbing, the name-calling, the silly mistakes and the sheer ineptitude of this week's losing team – two of whom got fired.

Both Technicolour Lucinda and Doe-Eyed Sara have come under a lot of fire in recent weeks for not pulling their weight or contributing to the team. Full credit to team-leader Lee for giving them the opportunity to show what they could do. OK, so they might not have had much responsibility, but they did the task they were set pretty well.

The candidates are like that little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
When they are good,
they're usually pretty good,
but when things go bad they are horrid.

Claire was uncontrollable, wrecking Alex's negotiations. But Alex was part of the group which made mistakes over the clock (although he can't be held responsible for much, in fairness). Team-leader and former B*witched star Jennifer dived straight into the task without a moment's thought, and things got less organised from there.

The most heinous crime was committed by Evil annoying Jenny and "good Jewish boy... er, well actually I'm only half Jewish" Michael: actively trying to sabotage the other team's efforts – with a playful suggestion to the shopkeeper at first, but later with a cold hard bribe – and then not even telling the rest of their team what they had done? Not a good idea, guys.

In the end, it was only Sir Alan's sentimentality that saved Michael, but that was a rare showing of generosity. At one point, it did look as though all five would be sacked. BBC producers probably had to step in to ensure only two went... taxi for Jenny?

Highlights of the week:
▫ Claire: I don't know what to say. Sir Alan: Thank God for that.
▫ Lee getting an affectionate peck on the cheek from Lucinda
▫ Margaret's damning verdict on the state of Edinburgh University