The Code.

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Thunderbozz has breached the code.

Apologies, I've started watching Big Brother. If anyone else says "yeah, but where are all the guys?" I'll tut loudly.

Chanelle is the best looking one, despite the fact she likes like Victoria Beckham. And remarks like "I either want to be rich and famous, or a speech therapist in Spain". Hmm. Emily – the "rich bitch" who single-handedly discovered indie music – only makes second place by default. Charley, south London "it girl" just reminds me of Foxxy Love from Drawn Together. The look on her face when she realised all the effort she'd put into getting ready was all for nothing: priceless.

Tracey is a cross between Worzel Gummage, Bez and tourette's-suffering Pete: note they're all men. Carole is madder than a barrel-load of monkeys. Lesley I was feeling slightly sorry for as she's so out of place in the house. That was before I saw her picture, which makes her look like the devil incarnate.

As for Mary-Kate and Ashley... get them out.

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