And now, the news
It's Thursday the 14th of December.
Here are the headlines at six o'clock:
My teeth feel like they are being pushed in different directions at the same time. Because they are.
In other news, Our Great Leader The Right Honourable Tony Blair has finally been questioned by the police. The Prime Minister was asked about the cash-for-peerages scandal in which he was directly involved. Downing Street welcomed the opportunity for an interview, reassuring the British public that Mr Blair was not interviewed under police caution, and that the ability to put spin on even the most deeply-embarrassing stories is still very much within their power.
The world collectively gasped with shock this afternoon when the report commissioned to reveal that Princess Diana was killed accidentally, revealed that Princess Diana was killed accidentally. Mohamed Al-Fayed said the £3.69 million spent on the Stevens inquiry was a "total waste", adding the money could have been better spent on the creation of new conspiracy theories for the Daily Express to report on.
After modern veterinary science failed to find a method to remove some potentially fatal shards of plastic from a dolphin's stomach, they decided to ask the world's tallest man to reach inside and grab them instead. Using the lastest techniques, they wrapped up the animal's jaws with towels and then asked Bao Xishun to stick his lanky arms down the creature's neck.
Finally: in sport, England managed to bowl out Australia for 244, thanks to the efforts of Monty Panesar. When asked what he thought about the incompetent bunch of monkeys that form the England squad selectors, he diplomatically revealed "They felt now was the time for me to play my first Ashes Test match" ... "Only now, when we're already 2-0 down in the series and it's been proved beyond all doubt that Ashley Giles is rubbish", he didn't add.
Here are the headlines at six o'clock:
My teeth feel like they are being pushed in different directions at the same time. Because they are.
In other news, Our Great Leader The Right Honourable Tony Blair has finally been questioned by the police. The Prime Minister was asked about the cash-for-peerages scandal in which he was directly involved. Downing Street welcomed the opportunity for an interview, reassuring the British public that Mr Blair was not interviewed under police caution, and that the ability to put spin on even the most deeply-embarrassing stories is still very much within their power.
The world collectively gasped with shock this afternoon when the report commissioned to reveal that Princess Diana was killed accidentally, revealed that Princess Diana was killed accidentally. Mohamed Al-Fayed said the £3.69 million spent on the Stevens inquiry was a "total waste", adding the money could have been better spent on the creation of new conspiracy theories for the Daily Express to report on.
After modern veterinary science failed to find a method to remove some potentially fatal shards of plastic from a dolphin's stomach, they decided to ask the world's tallest man to reach inside and grab them instead. Using the lastest techniques, they wrapped up the animal's jaws with towels and then asked Bao Xishun to stick his lanky arms down the creature's neck.
Finally: in sport, England managed to bowl out Australia for 244, thanks to the efforts of Monty Panesar. When asked what he thought about the incompetent bunch of monkeys that form the England squad selectors, he diplomatically revealed "They felt now was the time for me to play my first Ashes Test match" ... "Only now, when we're already 2-0 down in the series and it's been proved beyond all doubt that Ashley Giles is rubbish", he didn't add.
