Thunderbozz

Metro , 21 April 2009

I used to boast that I could never be swayed by the power of advertising. I'd though of myself who was intelligent enough to make my own decisions, capable of choosing to spend my money on the products I need (rather than those that look nice and shiny on TV). But I've suddenly realised that I've been living a lie: I'm a massive sell-out. This shocking discovery came while looking though my music collection: my library is crammed full of tracks that have been featured in adverts . Now obviously, many of these were purchased because they were good songs and which have gone on to be used to help sell products as a result. But there's also an alarming number that I've downloaded purely because I've been used to hearing them in the ad breaks. The most recent example of this is The Noisettes' Don't Upset The Rhythm , which is a phenomenally good song (Mazda), but I've also got copies of Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons ( Beggin' , Adi

I had to go to work on Good Friday, so took Tuesday off instead and enjoyed a few days back at home in Dartford. It was a really enjoyable few days, and really nice to see friends and family again. I even bought a little bit of luck to the mighty Darts, who managed to thump Canvey Island 4-0. It was also an opportunity for me to have a rummage through all the junk we've stashed in the loft to try and find some of the drawings and cartoons I spent most of my time at school sketching/thinking about. OK, not most of my time at school, but certainly every French lesson. These are some of them, and as you can see, they are nothing short of masterful. Or, to put it another way, the best of a bad bunch. Sadly, the one thing I was looking is MIA: a proper comic that I spent absolutely ages on called Space Rocket Adventures In Space . It was a (very) thinly-veiled satirical take on the invasion of Iraq, but in truth this premise was only introduced to allow for the inclusion of

■ My salary this year ■ What my MP claimed in expenses in one year Dartford MP, Dr Howard Stoate claimed £147,732 according to a published list of expenses for the financial year beginning in April 2007. Dr Stoate, whose constituency office in Dartford is 15 miles from Westminster, claimed £17,883 for his [second home allowance]. From the Dartford Times . This disgusts me a little bit (as do the claims of Conservative MPs, Adam Holloway and Michael Fallon for £146,933 and £119,667 respectively, before anyone accuses me of taking political sides). Not just because the amount of cash at MPs' disposal is so much larger than I have to hand, but just because it seems so easy for them to take it. And it makes me wonder how much the three of them managed to claim last year, too. *sarcasm.

How to make an episode of The Apprentice : You will need the following: Music The soundtrack to the entire series comprises just three pieces of music. These are: the overly-dramatic theme tune ( derr, derrn, derr, derrn... ); the fast-paced tune, used over shots of the candidates rushing around or desperately trying to sell things at the last minute; and the twinkly one used for building tention and/or suspence. Film clips You can never have too many gratuitous shots of London, the Thames, Canary Wharf, interesting-looking road junctions (in London), the rooves of black cabs/double-decker buses/tube trains/Sir Alan's limo all being driven around London. Shots of the candidates using various forms of the capital's public transport systems are also a good choice. These may look slightly frivilous, but there are a vital element of the show's success. Pilot episodes of the show that used footage of Amstrad's real HQ and its surroundings (an industrial estate in

I'm not one to be paranoid, nor alarmist – and it's even possible I could be mistaken – but today I survived an assassination attempt . Yes, it is thanks only to the bullet-proof glass windows fitted as standard to all Stagecoach buses that run route 43 between Sheffield and Chesterfield, and the lightning-fast reactions of the aforementioned-vehicle's driver, that I owe my life. Without them, the stone that some little punk through at me (or possibly just the bus) could have delivered a fatal blow. Or, failing that, quite a nasty cut and/or bruise on my left ear. ▪ I totally missed The Apprentice last night, and forgot about the repeat this evening too, hence no post about it. The measures I put in place to avoid hearing the "result" worked fairly well until about lunchtime today until one of my colleagues told me who got fired (and why) before my fingers could reach my ears. This will no doubt spoil my viewing of the programme quite significantly, but