Thunderbozz

The Daily Telegraph today published the expenses claims of Dartford MP Dr Howard Stoate (it's Day 26 of "The Expenses Files", a feature which increasingly resembles Big Brother / The Never-Ending Story ). Now, it would be all-too easy to use this as an opportunity to attack Dr Stoate, but it transpires that he is actually a rather fervent supporter of local businesses. After all, he spent £124 at a market stall - or, so he says, as "no receipts are available". Over £1,000 was ploughed into the town's DIY stores, including the B&Q Warehouse and Focus [Do It All] . Now, this may sound like a lot of money to spend, but fear not! Dr Stoate had the taxpayer in mind whilst he was shopping: prices in the market "were far lower than shop prices... I was trying to keep my costs as low as possible". In fact, the whole reason he needed to go to B&Q at all is because he decided to buy a London home (15 miles from the constituency) "i...

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Screen capture by David Murray, all rights reserved. ITV HD © ITV 2009 How difficult can it be to broadcast a football match? I only ask because ITV have been determined on several occasions this season alone to make a ruddy-great hash of it. They've picked the wrong games to show, they've messed up scheduling, they've missed the only goal of a game... and now they've put on a truly shambolic display in high definition, too. I say high definition, but for the majority of last night's Champions League final, it was actually upscaled-SD that we were watching on the ITV HD red button service (they haven't even opted to make it a fully-fledged channel). With poor quality audio. And no clock. We were even treated to a farcical montage of a bespectacled Steve Ryder, bemused Teddy Sheringham and boring shot of a studio floor - twice . It's bad enough having to listen to their sub-standard coverage at the best of times. So from now on, whenever there's a...

Picture by Hal, some rights reserved It was the last day of the Premier League season yesterday and, along with West Brom and Middlesbrough, Newcastle United were relegated to Division 1 the Championship. I'm quite sad about this in a way, because Newcastle have always been a popular Premiership team (apart from with their North East neighbours), and there's no question that their supporters are some of the best in the league. Unfortunately, the club is in turmoil: almost a dozen different managers in the last three seasons, a hugely-unpopular owner (who tried and failed miserably to sell the club last year) and his hugely-unpopular friends (AKA the Cockney Mafia) have taken a huge toll on the club. A last-ditch attempt to rescue the club saw them bring in "King" Kevin "The Messiah" Keagan... only for his tenure to be swiftly ended. The introduction of Alan Shearer, Newcastle legend, really was an act of clutching the last straw. It, not unsurprising...

Picture by Omar Rodríguez Landeros, some rights reserved They say first impressions are important, but there's also a good case for reserving judgement on something until you've had some time to consider and reflect upon it. I'm aware that, in the past and even now, I'm guilty of making snap judgements and then stubbornly sticking to this conclusion (even if I later change my mind, or it's quite obvious I'm wrong) in order to avoid backing down. To redress the balance, I'd like to put the following redactions on the record: Keane I once described Keane as the musical equivalent of the anti-Christ. In fact, they're a half-decent pop group. Sophie Ellis-Bextor I actually quite like her music. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen I'll never change my mind on this one: this film is truly awful.

Picture by Pete Barr-Watson, some rights reserved I had some real trouble sleeping last week, which I have put down to having a guilty conscience slightly messed-up schedule, and no consistency in the times I actually had to get up/go to bed. The upshot of this, aside from feeling like I'd run a marathon by about 5:45 each evening, is that I've been having and remembering some crazy dreams. In one, Graham Coxon and Damon Albarn entered a song into the Eurovision Song Contest. It was The Greatest Song I have ever heard: a catchy pop number with fantastic vocals, an enchanting melody and wonderfully arranged. It would not only have won the competition, but also been used as an anthem for world peace. Unfortunately, it being a construction of my mind, I can't remember how it went. In another, I tried to withdraw some money from a Barclays cash machine. Unfortunately, rather than being presented with a crisp £20 note, the hole-in-the-wall dispensed a document which read...

Metro , 21 April 2009

I used to boast that I could never be swayed by the power of advertising. I'd though of myself who was intelligent enough to make my own decisions, capable of choosing to spend my money on the products I need (rather than those that look nice and shiny on TV). But I've suddenly realised that I've been living a lie: I'm a massive sell-out. This shocking discovery came while looking though my music collection: my library is crammed full of tracks that have been featured in adverts . Now obviously, many of these were purchased because they were good songs and which have gone on to be used to help sell products as a result. But there's also an alarming number that I've downloaded purely because I've been used to hearing them in the ad breaks. The most recent example of this is The Noisettes' Don't Upset The Rhythm , which is a phenomenally good song (Mazda), but I've also got copies of Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons ( Beggin' , Adi...

I had to go to work on Good Friday, so took Tuesday off instead and enjoyed a few days back at home in Dartford. It was a really enjoyable few days, and really nice to see friends and family again. I even bought a little bit of luck to the mighty Darts, who managed to thump Canvey Island 4-0. It was also an opportunity for me to have a rummage through all the junk we've stashed in the loft to try and find some of the drawings and cartoons I spent most of my time at school sketching/thinking about. OK, not most of my time at school, but certainly every French lesson. These are some of them, and as you can see, they are nothing short of masterful. Or, to put it another way, the best of a bad bunch. Sadly, the one thing I was looking is MIA: a proper comic that I spent absolutely ages on called Space Rocket Adventures In Space . It was a (very) thinly-veiled satirical take on the invasion of Iraq, but in truth this premise was only introduced to allow for the inclusion of ...

■ My salary this year ■ What my MP claimed in expenses in one year Dartford MP, Dr Howard Stoate claimed £147,732 according to a published list of expenses for the financial year beginning in April 2007. Dr Stoate, whose constituency office in Dartford is 15 miles from Westminster, claimed £17,883 for his [second home allowance]. From the Dartford Times . This disgusts me a little bit (as do the claims of Conservative MPs, Adam Holloway and Michael Fallon for £146,933 and £119,667 respectively, before anyone accuses me of taking political sides). Not just because the amount of cash at MPs' disposal is so much larger than I have to hand, but just because it seems so easy for them to take it. And it makes me wonder how much the three of them managed to claim last year, too. *sarcasm.

How to make an episode of The Apprentice : You will need the following: Music The soundtrack to the entire series comprises just three pieces of music. These are: the overly-dramatic theme tune ( derr, derrn, derr, derrn... ); the fast-paced tune, used over shots of the candidates rushing around or desperately trying to sell things at the last minute; and the twinkly one used for building tention and/or suspence. Film clips You can never have too many gratuitous shots of London, the Thames, Canary Wharf, interesting-looking road junctions (in London), the rooves of black cabs/double-decker buses/tube trains/Sir Alan's limo all being driven around London. Shots of the candidates using various forms of the capital's public transport systems are also a good choice. These may look slightly frivilous, but there are a vital element of the show's success. Pilot episodes of the show that used footage of Amstrad's real HQ and its surroundings (an industrial estate in ...

I'm not one to be paranoid, nor alarmist – and it's even possible I could be mistaken – but today I survived an assassination attempt . Yes, it is thanks only to the bullet-proof glass windows fitted as standard to all Stagecoach buses that run route 43 between Sheffield and Chesterfield, and the lightning-fast reactions of the aforementioned-vehicle's driver, that I owe my life. Without them, the stone that some little punk through at me (or possibly just the bus) could have delivered a fatal blow. Or, failing that, quite a nasty cut and/or bruise on my left ear. ▪ I totally missed The Apprentice last night, and forgot about the repeat this evening too, hence no post about it. The measures I put in place to avoid hearing the "result" worked fairly well until about lunchtime today until one of my colleagues told me who got fired (and why) before my fingers could reach my ears. This will no doubt spoil my viewing of the programme quite significantly, but ...

What a fantastic start to the Formula 1 season. There's been so much hype surrounding the negative aspects of this season's rule changes , that it was great just to get to see some racing . And how. After years of dull processions, F1 looked to have made a return to the good old days, based on today's Australian Grand Prix. First corner crash? Check. Exciting overtaking? Check. Dangerous manoeuvres? Check. British driver atop the podium? Check. ▪ ITV don't have much luck with sport. After their farcical coverage of the FA Cup this year (plus a history of poor decisions - from The Premiership to ONdigital - and their involvement with (what will hopefully become known as) the "dull years" of Formula 1, today was the last time they will be showing the Oxford vs Cambridge University Boat Race. In fairness, their coverage of the event has been praised, but what you have to ask is - who cares? There's no other sporting event in the world that has such se...

The Apprentice is back. And how. It always amazes me how clueless the candidates seem to be about the whole process. At times, the new candidates seem to have learnt from the mistakes of the past – for example, both teams managed to sort out team names pretty rapidly this year – but then everything falls apart. The women couldn't get themselves organised, at first spending too long choosing a team leader, then arguing over how much money to spend on cleaning products... and then bitching about it in the taxis. Their approach didn't look like it could get any worse... until they started arguing with their potential customers over how much to charge! £300 to clean three limos? £300?!? The phrase "That's an amazing quote" really shouldn't be used when you're charging double what the guy's currently paying. The boys on the other hand started very promisingly indeed. Within five minutes they'd sorted out a plan, had a potential client on the ...

With a few hours to kill last weekend, I thought I'd go for a wander around town and get some window shopping done (I'd incorrectly assumed that the supermarket opened at 10.00 on a Sunday morning, so rather than being the first person in the store, I was actually an hour early). This is always a slightly dangerous thing to do, because I'm not very good at resisting the temptation to actually buy something - usually music, but occasionally a new gadget or piece of hi-tech kit to play with. It was with a certain sense of inevitability then when I saw an ex-display (read: reduced price) HD Freesat box on offer in John Lewis... and ended up taking it home. In the battle of Head vs Heart, the latter was victorious, despite the very strong argument from Head that there was no guarantee that the "SAT" connection plate on the wall of the flat was connected to a dish at the other end. I'm very glad I did though, because although the channels available through ...

The story The story follows the plot of the original Indiana Jones trilogy pretty faithfully – in Lego, of course – so we join the archaeologist as he gallivants around the world in search of priceless treasures and adventure. This being Lego, the Nazi content has been toned down somewhat, and there's no face-melting when the Ark of the Covenant is prised open. However, this is more than made up for by bucket-loads of comedy, wit and charm that you can expect from the little plastic Danish guys. The game The game is split into eighteen levels, with each "film" made up of six stages. Throughout each stage, there are a number of different objectives. The first is to collect coins, which can be used to buy new characters and unlock extra features upon your return to Bartlett College. There are also artefacts and unlockable features hidden on every level to discover. Challenges require a combination of puzzle-solving, building, jumping, dodging and "teamwork"...

For the latter half of last year, I'd been saving up a little bit of money each month to buy myself a new, flat-screen television set. This plan worked for about two months, then I had a splurge, then Christmas came along, and by the start of 2009 I was worse off than I'd been in October. Nevertheless, I'd set my heart on a new TV, and finally got round to buying one (out of my overdraft, in the end) a few weeks into January. (This was also at the expense of a new laptop, as the old one broke on the morning of my TV shopping trip... but by that stage, I was far too excited to change my plans my mind was made up.) Now, I don't have much cash to spare at the moment either, but there are a great number of things all calling to me to be purchased. After I foolishly broke my digital camera last year (don't leave them at the bottom of your suitcase, folks. Especially when you're lugging that suitcase across London on trains), I've been thinking about getti...

The internet has changed the way people think about business. Not only has it blast the marketplace wide open – at the expense of companies like Zavvi – but it's also turned the notion of the business model on its head: companies are able to offer services online for free , and still generate revenues. In the early stages, it looked like selling advertising was the answer. But the limitations of this approach soon became clear. Not only did they not generate very much cash, the system (where advertisers paid sites per click) was open to abuse. Furthermore, people soon became tired of irritating banners, pop-ups and splash pages... they used technology to block them, or voted with their feet and went elsewhere. Webco's were forced to be as dynamic and innovative with their business planning as they were with their internet services. For small-time sites, the " T-shirt economy " now provides a steady, if somewhat meagre, income which at least covers costs. Last...

This is the sign in the window of Zavvi, Sheffield, this weekend. The store has finally closed it's doors after collapsing into administration late last year. It's a shame to see it go, even if it had lost the history associated with Our Price and Virgin Megastores, but it was also inevitable. Video killed the radio star; iTunes killed the record store. In Sheffield, there's a "masterplan" to expand the city centre with a brand new retail quarter. Construction - or rather, demolition to clear the site - began in the economic boom of 2008. Sadly, with so many shops closing, it looks like a rather silly idea today, and work has been put on indefinite hiatus. USC has closed; The Link shut down; Zavvi is no more; Woolworths kicked the bucket; Barclays have downsized from three branches to just one; the days of seeing Lloyds TSB and Halifax branches side-by-side are surely numbered. The High Street is literally shrinking, because these stores will not be replaced...